My top 8 Superbowl commercials

I took a couple days off. I'm back now. I was just too tired to sit in front of the computer for 15 minutes.

I will admit that I was rooting for the Colts to win the Super Bowl because I am fascinated by Peyton Manning. Did you know that he is practically an idiot savant? He need polaroids of his clothing to pick outfits, he was once mystified by a can opener, and his girlfriend, in Tennessee, had to call a Chinese food restaturant in a city he was playing in to order takeout for him. So you see, in the game of life, Peyton is an underdog. Guess what else? He licks his fingers all the time, not just on the field.

So the game was a bit of a disappointment, but not too bad. I am happy for the city of New Orleans. Of course, my favorite part was the commercials. Here are my top eight.

8. Joe Montana for Skechers ShapeUps. Only makes the top 8 because I remember it. I remember thinking, "Really? Is this one of those so-bad-it's good commercials? " I guess it was.

7. The Boost Mobile Shuffle. I gave this a "sorta funny" until Jim McMahon scooted out on His Free Rascal- that alone was enough for an immediate upgrade to darned funny.

6. The very sweet Google commercial. Was this Google's first commercial ever? I googled... it was.

5. The Doritos commercial with the dog in the shock collar.

4. The Doritos commercial with the protective little kid.

3. The e*Trade commercial with the milkaholic reference.

2. The Snickers commercial with Betty White and Abe Vigoda. Betty White is just all kinds of wonderful. She's a treasure.

1. The Worst Super Bowl Party Ever. I love David Letterman almost as much as I love Oprah. Stuff like this is why.

8 things you should buy at the thrift store

I admitted last week that I find it difficult to pay full price for anything. Even if it's something my child needs, right now, I will see if I can find it on sale somewhere.
To that end, I do a fair amount of shopping on Craigslist and eBay, and at thrift stores. There are certain items that I think should almost always be bought used, because the new-to-used cost ratio is more ridiculous than that of automobiles. While compiling my list, I noticed that many of these items share certain qualities: 1. They don't make them like they used to, and 2. Hard, non-porous surfaces that are easy to clean.
Here they are:

1. Umbrellas. Thrift stores are full of lost-and-found bins, and I suspect that umbrellas are one of the most often lost items. They can be had for two or three dollars, as opposed to over twenty brand-new.

2. Staplers, and other office supplies. According the the (pun alert) Staples catalog on my desk, a new Swingline stapler runs $27.99. I can't imagine paying more than three dollars at a thrift store.

3. Knitting needles, crochet hooks: As long as the aluminum needles aren't warped, used knitting needles are an excellent value, at no more than a dollar a pair. New, five or six bucks.

4. lawn sprinklers fall into the #1 category. If you can find a heavy cast iron sprinkler that looks 20 years old or so, grab it, as long as it is free of rust. You may have to replace a gasket, but those cost pennies. Today's sprinklers are pieces of crap.

5. Coleman camp stoves can be had for between 10 and 15 dollars at a thrift store, comparable new models cost upwards of $65. There aren't many moving parts, so there isn't much that can go wrong with these stoves. Look for clean green machines.

6. Small kitchen appliances are often donated when kitchen cupboards are purged. Thrift store shelves are crowded with waffle makers, food processors, blenders, coffee makers, toasters, bread makers, George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Fighting Grilling Machines and Ronco Showtime rotissieres.
Let's face it, your new gadget is likely going to sit in your cabinet until your next purge, you might as well save yourself some cash by buying used. Trust me, you'll find many machines that appear to have never been used.

7. Tupperware- I am kind of a Tupperware snob, in that I prefer the real thing. (Although the snap-lock rectangles at Costco are quite nice) Real Tupperware retains its shape, repels tomato stains, seals every time, and is microwave safe. Unfortunately, it is also really expensive, and you have to order from a Tupperware lady, which means hosting or attending a Tupperware party.
Keep your eyes open at the Salvation Army, where a bowl and lid cost a buck or two. Harvest Gold is making a comeback!

8. Books. Unless they are for gifts, I never buy new books. In deference to independent booksellers, I often give new books as gifts- but the best independent book sellers I know, the Book Bin and Powell's, sell used books alongside new.

Next week- 8 things you should NEVER buy at the thrift store.

8 things that Jesus would probably not have done

I'm no theologian, but I have read a couple books about Jesus and I went to church a few times, so I feel like I have a basic understanding of what he was all about. You know, "be nice" and stuff. But maybe my feelings are wrong. There are plenty of people out there who claim to have a deeper understanding of what Jesus wants from them. I don't get it.

* I don't think Jesus would have murdered anyone in a church, no matter how strongly He disagreed with them or disapproved of their occupation. Now this might be a gray area for some... but He did leave us those Commandments, and I seem to remember something about what thou shalt not do. Thou means you.

* I'm also fairly confident that He would not accuse small African children of witchcraft, condemning them to be separated from their parents and tortured.

* Shooting up a church while the children perform "Annie" because the congregation tolerates the gays? I suspect Jesus would call this a bad idea.

*Speaking of the gays, Didn't Jesus have two fathers? Now, I am not saying that Joseph was gay, or that God is gay. I am just saying that Jesus would probably be tolerant of non-traditional families, with his six cousin/siblings. I don't think He would have supported proposition 8.


The things that I don't think Jesus would do aren't limited to political or criminal acts of hypocrisy. There are everyday, small scale things that I think he wouldn't do, too.

* I don't think Jesus would forward me emails with explicitly violent photographs of a Japanese hostage crisis, to make the point that it is cheaper to kill a kidnapper quickly without a trial than to arrest, try and imprison him. I'd like to think Jesus would make up a parable.

*Jesus wasn't a father in the traditional sense,(unless you believe The DaVinci Code) but if he were, I think he would not have hit his children. Jesus was no Job, but he was patient.


Far be it from me to point out the speck in everyone else's eye without examining the plank in mine.


* Unlike me, Jesus would not pretend not to notice the beggar at the end of the freeway off ramp. I know that Jesus would not only give this guy what he needed, but also wash his feet. So, yeah, Jesus is more benevolent than I am.

*Jesus probably wouldn't write about other people's shortcomings, and how he gets irritated when people do terrible things in His name. Jesus would forgive them, and pray for their salvation. But then again, He had all those other guys to do his writing for him....

8 more ways to leave your lover

It's Monday, it's sunny, and my concentration is poor. I've spent the day puttering around the house listening to pandora internet radio and grooveshark.com. One of my favorite songs is "50 ways to leave your lover" by Paul Simon, which inspires today's list.

*Just get on your bike, Mike.
*Send her a text, Rex.
* You don't need to be right, Dwight...just listen to me.
*Start wearing a skirt, Burt.
*Gotta hit the street, Pete!
*get caught with a ho, Joe... She'll force you to go.
*Forget her birthday, Ray
* Just find a new date, Nate, everything will be great.

8 things I learned, am learning, or need to learn from my mother

Mother's day is coming up on Sunday. I'm not usually the type of person that gets things done a week in advance- in fact, I'm quite the procrastinator. But, I wanted to do an 8 things post about my mom, and this is the last Monday before Mother's day... so here it is. Because as much as I love the last minute, I love order even more- and 8 things are for Mondays.

* Life isn't fair "Life isn't fair" was my mom's favorite song when I was young. I thought it was just her easy answer for things that couldn't be otherwise explained- like why dogs die. It turns out that it was her way of preparing me to just "get on with it" when times are tough. Yeah, life isn't fair, but it's all we've got, so we ought to make the best of it.

*Be a hunter/ gatherer. Collecting food is so much more fun than buying it. My mother taught me that elk and deer are much tastier and better for you than beef, and home-grown fruits and veggies are in an entirely different class than store-bought. I am spoiled from years of fresh fish and shellfish. Chantrelle mushrooms are nature's perfect accompaniment, and they are delicious when marinated and canned. Someday, I'll have that garden, and chickens, too.

* Waste not, Want not my mother is a Master Food Preserver, which means she took a class from the county extension service about how to safely preserve foods. Then, she volunteered a bunch of hours, checking canning pressure gauges and answering phone calls from folks with preserving questions. She grows and cans most of the vegetables she and my stepdad eat. She also cans clams, poultry, fish, smoked fish, and apple pie filling. She dehydrates and/or freezes what she doesn't can. Her pantry, which is as big as my bathroom, is stocked from floor to ceiling with delicious canned goods. last year, I bought my first pressure canner, which I haven't used yet. Someday I am going to make homemeade applesauce just like my mom.

* Half of life is just showing up: My mom gets the blame for all the things I sign up and sign on for. I learned to participate from her. She was my 4H leader and school play director. She got involved in ESA and although sometimes it exhausts her, she always has something going. Presently, I find myself involved in ESA, my daughters Girl Scout troop leader, and volunteer soccer referree. I am over-extended and tired a lot, but I would go crazy if I were sitting at home with nothing to do but the dishes.

* Make lists. Grocery lists, to-do lists, bucket lists... I make them all, and my mom taught me how. There is nothing more satisfying than crossing the last thing off the list- except possibly the direction and organization that making a fresh, new list provides. One of my favorite websites is 43things, where I can keep my ultimate to-do list.


* There is good in everyone. My mom knows and deals with a lot of people who are boorish, bossy, whiny, incompetent, needy...the list of undesirable personality traits could go on for quite a while, and honestly, I am certainly included as one of those people she knows. She rarely speaks an unkind word about any of them. In fact, when she hears unkind words about them, she will often counter with something positive about them. However, this may be due to her need to debate.

*There are two sides to every story: and mom can argue them both. And she will. Mom loves a spirited debate, and I swear sometimes she argues just for argument's sake. I sometimes hear her debating a point that I know doesn't reflect her personal views. She's never mean or nasty, I think she just relishes the "gotcha" when she makes a point that someone can't counter. It used to drive me crazy, now it entertains me. I am learning to be more tolerant.

* Be tolerant. People have different ideas, religions, cultures, opinions, temperaments, orientations and backgrounds. No one is better than another and every person has value and deserves respect. Even if you vehemently disagree with them.

I've learned a lot from my mom, but I haven't learned it all. I call her all the time with stupid questions about cooking or baking or sewing or knitting or mothering or ESA. She's always so patient with me... which is something (patience) I need to learn from her. Maybe next year. I'll put it on a list.

Happy Mothers Day to my mom, and all mothers.

8 things I love about my husband

This week, my husband and I will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. Which day we celebrate depends on who you ask: He thinks our anniversary is tomorrow, but I am pretty sure that our anniversary is the 29th, which is Wednesday. I wasn't 100% sure, however, until I googled a 1995 calendar to see if the 29th of April (Wednesday this year) was a Saturday in 1995... which it was.

In honor of our anniversary, here are 8 things I love about my husband.

1. He is a terrible dancer. For the first few years we were dating and then married, I secretly wished that he would dance with me more often. I love to dance, although I have no particular talent for it. I can count the number of times we have danced together in public on my thumb. He doesn't dance because he is terrible at it, and he has no rhythm. This used to concern me, until I thought about it this way: Do I really want to be married to the kind of guy that is a good dancer? The kind of guy that enjoys shaking his groove thing? The answer is NO.

2. He never tells me "no". And I don't tell him "no", either. We have an understanding that when it comes to decision making, we each have veto power, and neither of us may use it. It's a good thing we don't disgaree often.

3. He can be quiet. We can go on long road trips without talking, and that's fine with both of us. Neither of us has a need for chit chat.

4. He is a terrific father. He knows what grades Madison is getting in all of her classes, what she likes and dislikes, and who her friends are. It's hard to say who her primary caregiver is... we all do it together. She's really lucky to have such a great dad.

5. He tolerates my quirks. I imagine I might not be the easiest person to hang out with year after year. I am prone to fits of whimsy, and you already know about my dabbling. He is very patient with me, and most of the time, supportive.

6. We have a secret handshake.

7. He can lift many heavy things. And he sorta likes to, in a caveman sort of way.

8. He's really cute. His hazel eyes still catch me off guard every once in a while.

Now, of course, there are lots of other things that I love about my husband. These are the eight that I could think of in an hour or so that were fit to share.

8 Things the Sun brings to mind

I can't ignore the sunshine today. I tried to play it cool this weekend, and not get giddy about the weather. "Oh, is the sun shining today? I hadn't noticed..."
Well, no more! I surrender to you, Ra!
Great Aten, your rays stir my soul. Apollo, the warmth from your sun inspires me. Helios, I am awakened!

Here are 8 things that I am looking forward to now that it looks like Summer really may come again soon.

1. The backyard swimming "pool":
We are on our second blue Hefty Bag pool. We've got a monstrous one, armpit deep. Most of the time, it is a complete pain in the ass- we have to store it for nine months, set it up, keep it clean and covered... not to mention it takes up a quarter of the back yard and it kills all the grass under it. We forget all that when it is 95 degrees and we are floating on our Recline-o-matic beer holder chaise lounges. Running Seal Belly Slides over the side are the best!

2. Farmer's Market: Almost every Saturday, we ride our bikes to the Farmer's Market and buy lettuce, eggs and whatever else is in season. I usually get a pastry, too. I have an awesome bike with an awesome basket on the front, and I am awesome.

3.Motorcycle rides: We have a "Hardly Davidson"- that is, a 1981 Honda Nighthawk cruiser motorcycle. Spencer gives me rides in the summer. I put my hair in pigtail braids, and put on a bandanna and boots and a leather jacket and I look like the shit. Then we go to the post office.

4. Scooter Shopping: I am not confident enough to operate a motorcycle... but I dearly want a scooter. I shop for scooters almost every summer. I'd really like a 1985 Honda Spree. I would absolutely buy one... if I could figure out when I would ever ride it. I sometimes map out non-freeway routes to work. It would add about 45 minutes to my commute to ride a scooter to work. last summer, when gas was $4 a gallon, it was almost worthwhile- except scooter prices doubled, too.

5. Camping: We surely love to take the RV out in the summer. Madison likes camping because she can run around all she wants, and we let her make a fire. I like camping because BURNABLE DISHES! and Spencer likes camping because I don't mind if he sits around the fire and drinks a bunch of beer... because somehow, it's different than sitting on the couch and drinking a bunch of beer.

6. Baseball: I know that there are lots of women who do not enjoy watching their husbands play baseball. I've learned to appreciate the opportunity to sit down for three hours, away from the phone and the computer, in the sun. Usually, a picnic of sorts is involved. What's not to enjoy?

7. Open windows: There is nothing finer than a warm breeze through a clean house. The best we can do at my house is a warm breeze. I enjoy having the doors and windows open... it makes the house feel tropical. Unfortunately, Spencer enjoys air conditioning, so "windows open" is a home-alone thing for me.

8. Hot nights: More than hot days, I love being outdoors on hot nights. It's just so cool! It's dark, but still warm. Ah, August...

Eight websites I often visit

I can waste an inordinate portion of my day on the internet. Besides facebook and blogger, there are some sites that I visit every day, and others that I would like to. This isn't a list of little known websites- three of them are or were owned by internet giant Gawker media. It's just my List of 8 for this week.


ravelry- This is a wonderful resource for knitters and crocheters. It's a great place to find patterns and photographs of finished projects, which is helpful for me since I have a hard time imagining things in any other color than the one shown on the front of the pattern. It's kind of a pain that you can't register right away- you have to request an invitation... but it does come, and it's worth it.

etsy- Etsy is the internet marketplace for handmade goods. It's also a treasure trove of craft inspiration and ideas to steal. The best place to buy personalized paper goods, period.

Jezebel- Gawker's slutty little sister. I have to get my celebrity gossip somewhere, and jezebel filters it better than Perez Hilton. Sometimes a little too feminist and self-righteous for my tastes, but for the most part funny and smart.

Consumerist- I loves me some consumer news, ever since I was little and watched Herb Weisbaum investigate shady mattress dealers in Seattle. Consumerist used to be owned by Gawker, but apparently it was not profitable, so it was put up for sale. Consumers Union, who publishes Consumer Reports, bought it last year, and it has been even better. They are currently running their second annual "Worst Company in America" contest... Can AIG beat out last year's winner-by- attrition, BOA? (Countywide won last year, but BOA got the trophy when they took over Countrywide.)

lifehacker- Gawker's nerdy cousin. Lifehacker has a lot of computer-related posts that I frankly do not understand or care about. Occasionally, though, they will make a post written for the average computer user that is really helpful. Like use firefox, youmail, and gmail. I use these three products daily thanks to lifehacker.

instructables- You can learn anything on the internet, and instructables will teach you how. You can learn how to make a light saber, a lemon cake, knit a sweater, change your oil, train your dog...

FARK- a great place to find funny news stories, and funny headlines for unfunny news stories. The photoshop contests are often hilarious.

grooveshark- you can play any song for free, as often as you want, no registration, no installation, no problems. You can build a playlist and save it. They are working on a mobile app, and as soon as that is available, I can see no need for iTunes.

Eight things I like about Albany, Oregon

A few years ago, I was thumbing through an Oregon guide book. The entry for Albany began similar to this: "Perhaps no town in Oregon presents such an ugly face to passersby than Albany."
It stung a little to read, but I couldn't argue with the guy. From the freeway, Albany appears to be little more than a stinky paper mill and some trailer parks. The "real" Albany lies about a half mile west of the interstate, and it's a good (not bad, not great) small city. Or maybe it's a town.
We chose to move to Albany from Stayton because my husband was working in Albany at the time. Shortly after we moved, he was downsized, and he hasn't worked in Albany since. We stayed, because there are a lot of things I like about Albany. Here are some of those things:


* Albany is not pretentious. Albany is geographically situated between Corvallis, a college town with a hip, Sunset magazine feel, and Sweet Home, a failed lumber town with a COPS feel . Albany's vibe is right in the middle of "hip, trendy" Corvallis' and "those folks just don't know any better" Sweet Home's. Albany has just enough culture to support a community theater and a few museums, but not so much that residents have to search too hard for a check cashing joint. Our homes are generally modest, but they do have functioning plumbing. Our cars are seven or eight years old, but they run.

* Albany is bike-friendly. There are no hills in Albany. Most of our major arterials have wide bike lanes, and drivers are polite to cyclists. There are 3 kinds of cyclists in Albany, listed here from least to most common: The Serious Cyclist, who probably uses his bike to commute to work in Corvallis; the Family Cyclist, who only rides between May and September; and the DUI cyclist, who got his drivers license revoked and rides year-round out of necessity.

*River Rhythms/ Mondays at Monteith: Albany's two summer concert series. The "bigger" acts play Monteith Riverpark on Thursday evenings, Mondays are for local and regional artists. Twice a week in July and August, Albany residents bring their blankets and picnic dinners to hear live music on the banks of the Willamette. The last show of the season is usually a state fair caliber artist- we've seen the Dixie Chicks, Sugarland, the Oregon Symphony, and Los Lobos. It's a great family atmosphere, there are arts and crafts tables for children. It's all free- but the city does "pass the hat" to help with expenses.

* Albany Parks and Rec. department: There's no excuse for being bored or sedentary in Albany. We have a ton of parks- one in every neighborhood, the aforementioned Monteith River Park and it's opposite-shore sister Bryant Park; Timber-Linn Park, which is home to the Albany Art and Air Festival and the Timber Carnival, a smaller outdoor ampitheater, numerous soccer and softball fields, and a veteran's memorial; as well as a skate park and an outdoor pool/ water park. The parks department takes great care of its facilites. On top of that, they run a top notch community education program. They offer music, exercise, outdoor skills, cooking, dance and home improvement classes, and maintain a busy calendar of trips and tours for Albany's seniors. In addition to putting on River Rythms and Mondays at Monteith, they produce an annual Children's Performing Arts series that features musicians, pupeteers, acrobats and other educational entertainment for kids. I can't say enough about how well I feel my municipal tax dollars are spent.

*The railroad: Albany is sometimes referred to as "Hub City", a nod to its glory days as a major hub in the golden age of rail. Though that age has passed, Albany is still bisected by a major railroad. Waiting 10 minutes for a train to pass is part of life in Albany, and "Sorry, train..." is a perfectly acceptable excuse for being a minute or two late for an appointment. We can hear the whistles in the distance at night, and they remind me of church organs. A couple years ago, our train depot was restored and renovated, and our now famous "Albany sign" was erected.

*No Wal*Mart: (for the time being): There is only one Wal*Mart in all of Linn County, in Lebanon. It's easy for me to stick to my "I'm not shopping at Wal*Mart"principles when I would have to go pretty far out of my way to buy cheap Chinese crap there. I get my cheap Chinese crap at Target and Kmart in Albany.

*Our new library: If Albany has one thing to be smug about, it's the new library. A generous anonymous donor gave millions of dollars to our library so that they could buy and renovate a vacant office building. The remodel is complete, and our new library is spacious, quiet, contemporary and functional.
*Our old library: In the early 1900s, Andrew Carnegie funded the construction of about 2500 libraries in the United States. Albany has one such library, and it is still in operation. There is a fireplace that gets lit during the Christmas season. The library is small, crowded, dark and wonderful.

I don't think Albany will ever be my hometown. It's where I live now, and I like it most of the time. It's my daughter's hometown, the place she will always think of when she tells her "Back in the Olden Days" stories. I think it will make a nice setting.