My New Boyfriend

My husband says that he knew I was "the one" when I recognized an uncaptioned picture of Jerry Tarkanian. To this day, I don't know why I know who Jerry Tarkanian is- I have absolutely no interest in college basketball, or UNLV- but the fact remains that I fooled my husband into thinking I cared about sports.

Back when we were newlyweds, and I was still trying to impress him, I dedicated myself to learning to appreciate baseball. It wasn't easy- those were the days before Fox regional coverage. We lived out-of-market, so we couldn't watch Mariners games on tv. So we listened to them on the radio.

Listening to baseball on the radio takes focus- but you can learn a lot. For a couple seasons, I paid close attention to the action and listened to my husband explain pitching matchups during the commercials. It was not for nothing- baseball is 50 times more interesting when you understand the small nuances. Bonus- I can say I know the infield fly rule.

DirectTV and FoxSports Northwest changed everything. Now we could watch almost every Mariners game. We watched the miracle 1995 season. We went to a playoff game at the Kingdome and watched Edgar Martinez bring Ken Griffey Jr home with that double. I think I saw a tear in the corner of my husband's eye. We suffered through 1996, and our suffering paid off in '97.

Then in 1998, the M's acquired middle reliever Jose Paniagua. He was my baseball boyfriend for three years. Jose's eyes are the color of blue masking tape. I first noticed him as he was looking in to get the signs from Dan Wilson. I wanted to be Dan Wilson. The problem with Jose was that he had The One Good Angle. He looked really good from the home plate camera as he was looking in. He looked kinda goofy from every other angle. I had to break up with him when he got traded. We parted amicably.

With Jose gone, the Mariners were left with a whole lotta ugly.I had to look elsewhere in the league for my new boyfriend.

I didn't pay much attention to Johnny Damon when he was with the A's. When he went to Boston, he let his hair grow and stopped shaving and confused me. I was confused because I had always maintained that any guy can double his attractiveness by getting a good haircut and a clean shave, and wearing sunglasses and a good baseball cap. Johnny turned my theory on it's ear. There was something oddly compelling about his mix of Jesus and Grizzly Adams and Jerry Garcia. I made him my second baseball boyfriend, which in turn led to the Red Sox breaking the Curse of the Bambino and winning the World Series.

Then he did the unforgivable... he signed with the Yankees. Now, with his smooth face and short hair, all I can hear is that lisp. Johnny broke my heart a little. Baseball was dead to me.

Like Annie Savoy in Bull Durham (I wonder if she is related to Bobby Savoy from the Natural?) I found I couldn't stay away. My husband has always been an Oregon Sate fan, but the baseball team is rarely on TV. Two years ago, they made it to the NCAA tournament. Last year, they won the College World Series. There is a good chance they will do it again this year. The good thing about post season play is that it gets televised.

My current baseball boyfriend is OSU's Mitch Canham. It's a little scandalous, because he is a good 12 years younger than I am, but we will make it work. Unlike Jose, he looks good from just about any angle. He doesn't strike me as a deserter like Johnny. Probably the best thing about Mitch is that he is a catcher. Catcher's gear is hot. I think because it looks like armor. Mitch Canham is the knight in dirty armor who saved baseball for me.