Do I expect too much?

Let's get this out of the way: I am not perfect. My grammatical prowess has seen a steep decline since I was in school. Now, I tend to write like I talk. Part of the reason I write daily is to break that habit and become a better writer.
That being said:
Today, I read this in the newspaper: "Inside a rental car, police found $7,500 that the women had gotten Wednesday at a Wells Fargo branch in Junction City using the same fraudulent name."
Had gotten? The word you are looking for, Carrie Petersen, is "got". A better word would be "received".
Had I been reading the story on the internet, I would have ignored the error. I hold newspaper writers to a higher standard, I guess.
Maybe Carrie's not an idiot. Maybe she is a victim of a poor education.
Many of my friends and family are teachers... and I love them dearly...so I hate to be critical... but here goes:
Yesterday, Madison was studying for her science quiz on the skeletal system. She pointed to all her bones and named them all correctly, except the bones in her lower leg. She called them her tibia and fibia. I work in orthopedics, I hear "fibia" all the time, it is a common error. I don't expect the average Joe to know that the correct name is fibula. I do, however, expect the person who is teaching kids the names of bones to get it right.
I told Madison that the bones between her knee and ankle are the tibia and fibula. She started to argue that it must be "fibia" because that's what Mrs. Winston says, but she thought better of it when she quickly realized that I was right. (Also, I told her to go look in a book.) Then, she realized that teachers can be wrong. I watched as Mrs. Winston fell off her pedestal. I hope she didn't fracture her fibia when she landed.

Mitch Who Now?

You may remember my former boyfriend, Mitch Canham. Unfortunately, the distance between us (Well, actually, the distance between the minor leagues and televised games) has taken its toll, and it's time for me to move on so that I can once again enjoy baseball.
This season's prospects are few. Ken Griffey, Jr. was the front-runner for a while, since he is back in Seattle where he belongs, and his smile lights up an entire stadium... but he's kinda...well, let's just say he's a seasoned veteran and leave it at that.
So I've been keeping my eyes open for a young, handsome, talented player with whom I can carry on a torrid, albeit completely fake affair.
Let me tell you about Jacoby Ellsbury. I've had my eye on him for a few years, since he was at Oregon State. He was OSUs best (and hottest) player until Mitch came around... and Jacoby was drafted. Jacoby is from Madras, Oregon, and he is the first Navajo in the major leagues.
Perhaps you saw him in the 2007 World Series? He's the one who should have been the MVP. He was clutch. The Red Sox couldn't have won the series without him. Just ask Coco Crisp.
In that series, Taco Bell made a promise that they would give every man, woman, and child in America a free taco if a base was stolen during the world series. Guess who earned himself the nickname Tacoby Bellsbury?
Or maybe you caught his crazy defense in 2008. Jacoby has skills and speed to go with his good looks.
So you may be wondering why I haven't fallen in love with Jacoby before. I'm wondering the same thing myself. I guess he is like the kid down the street that you grew up with, but never noticed until you came home from college and he had better skin and hair. I guess I took Jacoby for granted.
Until.
On Sunday, my new boyfriend was on third base with the bases loaded and with a left handed hitter, he stole home. For seemingly no other reason than because he could. The other baserunners stayed right where they were. There was no bunt, no squeeze... just Jacoby, stealing home... and my heart.

Winner Winner skinless chicken breast dinner

Amazing thing #1: I finished my sweater on time. Amazing thing #2: It was the needlework division winner! It beat out a very nice wool cardigan, an infant sweater/ hat set, and some other things I don't remember. I can't believe my sweater won... the cardigan was so much nicer. Of course, I accepted my certificate, I didn't defer to the cardigan lady.

Also, my prank phone call story won the literature division. It was the only entry. I was hoping for a critique, which I did not get.

But the best thing is my new Crazy Blog Lady banner, custom made for me by my cousin Megan. We had a hell of a time getting it up there, but there it is, crazy and loggy and awesome. Megan is so creative and she has great taste and I really appreciate my new banner!

So now I embark on two projects: to finish my felted wool sweater quilt blanket, and to lose a few pounds. I started the South Beach diet yesterday. I want pancakes with syrup SO BAD.

8 things I love about my husband

This week, my husband and I will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. Which day we celebrate depends on who you ask: He thinks our anniversary is tomorrow, but I am pretty sure that our anniversary is the 29th, which is Wednesday. I wasn't 100% sure, however, until I googled a 1995 calendar to see if the 29th of April (Wednesday this year) was a Saturday in 1995... which it was.

In honor of our anniversary, here are 8 things I love about my husband.

1. He is a terrible dancer. For the first few years we were dating and then married, I secretly wished that he would dance with me more often. I love to dance, although I have no particular talent for it. I can count the number of times we have danced together in public on my thumb. He doesn't dance because he is terrible at it, and he has no rhythm. This used to concern me, until I thought about it this way: Do I really want to be married to the kind of guy that is a good dancer? The kind of guy that enjoys shaking his groove thing? The answer is NO.

2. He never tells me "no". And I don't tell him "no", either. We have an understanding that when it comes to decision making, we each have veto power, and neither of us may use it. It's a good thing we don't disgaree often.

3. He can be quiet. We can go on long road trips without talking, and that's fine with both of us. Neither of us has a need for chit chat.

4. He is a terrific father. He knows what grades Madison is getting in all of her classes, what she likes and dislikes, and who her friends are. It's hard to say who her primary caregiver is... we all do it together. She's really lucky to have such a great dad.

5. He tolerates my quirks. I imagine I might not be the easiest person to hang out with year after year. I am prone to fits of whimsy, and you already know about my dabbling. He is very patient with me, and most of the time, supportive.

6. We have a secret handshake.

7. He can lift many heavy things. And he sorta likes to, in a caveman sort of way.

8. He's really cute. His hazel eyes still catch me off guard every once in a while.

Now, of course, there are lots of other things that I love about my husband. These are the eight that I could think of in an hour or so that were fit to share.

Things I learned this week

It's been another busy week. I have been at the ESA convention since Friday, at the Embassy Suites, where they charge for wi-fi. I decided not to partake of that particular fee.
I find myself in the rather strange situation of having many things to write about today, but my head is swimming and organization and prioritization are difficult. I should put in extra effort and do a three-days-worth profound post, but instead, I am going to put in minimum effort tonight. Tomorrow I will organize my thoughts and you can look forward to a weeks' worth of thougthful posts.

Here then, are some of the things I learned this week:

* I learned that I can't hold my alcohol as well as I used to. The good news is that a glass of wine goes a lot farther than it used to, I guess I am getting more bang for my buck.

* Speaking of bangs, I learned that "longer" and "not straight across" does not mean the same thing to me as it does to the lady that cut my hair.

* I learned that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I guess I have been taking Bea Arthur for granted.

* And the big one.... I learned how to text! And wonder of all wonders, my husband taught me how to do it. Look out, 21st century... Here I come!

I'm a sorority girl.

As you may know, I am a member of a women's service organization called Epsilon Sigma Alpha, or ESA. My mother is a member, and I want to be just like her when I grow up, so I joined about 4 years ago. Two years ago, I helped start a chapter in Albany, Omega Mu, of which I have been president for two years.

ESA offers women education, service and philanthropic opportunities, and, nicest of all, friendship. As a chapter, we get together twice a month. Three times a year, we meet with ladies from nearby communities for district meetings. We join our sisters from all around Oregon twice a year for meetings, and again for our annual convention, which is always fun. On an international level (there are chapters in hte US and Australia), we meet once a year for our International Council convention. I have only been to one IC convention- when it was in Seattle in 2007. Our state convention is this weekend in Portland.

I will guess that I am the youngest ESA member in Oregon. Most of the ladies I meet at meetings and conventions are old enough to be my mother or grandmother. They get so excited about having a younger member. While I wish that there were more younger members, I appreciate the old-school ways of some of the more senior sisters. I like that we get dressed up, no jeans. It's not a written rule... it's just how things are done. I like that we send cards in the mail to say congratulations, offer sympathy, or to just say hello. What I really like is the support and encouragement members give each other, and the laughter at out get-togethers. These (old) ladies can have a damned good time.

Convention is the time for the election and installation of new officers and presentation of awards. Traditionally, conventions are held in pretty swanky hotels, which I appreciate because if not for ESA conventions, I probably wouldn't stay in any place fancier than a Comfort Inn. We have a fancy banquet on Saturday night . We have a memorial service on Sunday for members and members' loved ones who have passed. Members can enter their handiwork into the Association of the Arts contest.

This year, I am running unopposed for State Workshop Chair. It will be my responsibility to plan and coordinate educational workshops at next year's convention. I am pretty excited, I think it sounds like a fun job. I am also excited because I will be installed as a state officer, which means I get to wear a formal dress- I haven't played dress-up since high school! Spencer will be escorting me, so he gets to dress up, too. We bought a tuxedo for him, he looks so handsome in it.

I also have entered three things into the Association of the Arts competition, and challenged my Omega Mu sisters to enter at least one item. I entered my prank phone call story, the photograph in the "8 things I like about Albany" post, and the green sweater which I still haven't finished. I certainly don't expect to win any awards- there are some talented crafty ladies that enter their wares, but I think it's important to participate.

So, since I will be participating this weekend, you can expect short updates and little creativity. I'll take a laptop, but I am not sure I can get photos from my camera onto it. I'll try.

I am feeling Eco-riffic!

Today is Earth Day, the day we, as humans and citizens of Earth, should consider and reduce our environmental impact. What do I do to save the planet? As much as I can afford to. I am all for being "Green", as long as it doesn't cost me any "green", if you catch my drift. For instance, I recycle about 75% of our household waste. It doesn't cost me a thing.

I use CFLs, but only because I read that they would save money over the long run. I don't know why no one mentioned how hard they suck when it comes to their main (only) function, which is providing light. Now I have to wait 13 years for the stupid things to burn out before I replace them.

I try to use reusable grocery bags. I have quite a few of them, and I even have them in my car at all times. I have succesfully imported them to the store two times. Why don't they have a sign on the door? "Did you remember to get your bags out of the car?" That would be so nice. Of course, they would sell fewer of those 99 cent bags.

All things being equal, I will choose locally produced food over trucked-in food, and organic over conventional. The thing is, local, organic food costs two or three times as much as genetically modified food from faraway lands. We have a "poor-ganic" diet- we eat healthy foods when they are on sale.

I could do more. I could unplug all my chargers, which are electricity "vampires". I could build a rain barrel. Actually, that rain barrel looks awesome. Especially if I could turn it into an automatic dog water reservoir/ dispenser...

Speaking of dogs, here is my 2009 Earth day project, the golf club cozy:

We have a problem, or rather two problems, in our garage. Our two big dogs, Gus and Murphy, have free run of the garage, via a large dog door. Mind you, we keep no cars in the garage, it is just where we store our bikes and tools and junk. The dogs bring in large amounts of dirt from the back yard. The dirt gets all over everything out there. We have to clean golf clubs, bicycles, the motorcycle, lawn chairs- everything- before we can use them. Quite a pain in the ass.

Recently, Atta Boy canged their 50 pound bags from paper to a woven plastic material, similar to a tarp. I've shuddered every time I put them in the trash, thinking they will never decompose. I started to save them, thinking there must be someway to reuse them... maybe make shopping bags, or weed-prevention fabric... Then, it struck me. I'll cover all the stuff in the garage with custom made, recycled dog-food bag cozies! I'm starting with golf clubs, bikes are next.

Happy Earth Day.

I did an about-facebook.

I resisted joining facebook for a while, but now that I have been at it for a few months, I am glad I joined. I am not sure I have the vernacular down- is it "I have a facebook," "I facebook," or "I am on facebook"? Is facebook like Google- a noun, a verb, a phenomenon? It sure is getting a lot of press lately... here is an article in Time about 10 facebook "don'ts."
I have to say I think the article's author might be a little high strung. I mean, is it so tough to ignore (or accept) a Li'l Green Patch request? I agree with her, however, about the vague status updates. I have a couple friends that really should get to the point already. Jane is praying it will all turn out alright... Bart is thankful... Jemima is on antibiotics....

I like facebook because it has helped my reconnect with my family and friends, who I am geographically distant from. My cousin Megan and I have always been close, but never in daily contact until facebook. Now, I know what she is up to every day and whether or not her kids are sick. She makes me laugh every day.

I get to see another cousin's newborn baby get cuter each week.

I learned that I am friends with a London architect whose work was featured in the cover of the New York Times Style magazine, a middle school principal, a librarian, numerous firefighters,and a whole lot of teachers. My cousins have so many kids that I need a chart to keep track of them. My high school boyfriend is a computer geek. Most of my friends spent the better part of their youth in Washington State. They have since spread to all corners of the US, and one is a real estate agent in Mexico. Some of my friends blog, and some of them write on their facebook (pages?) and I love to read what they write.
I've noticed that people don't change much, which is comforting.

This week, I have re-connected with my numerous cousins on my mom's side. It will be nice to see them at our next family function and not spend the first few hours getting reacquainted. I am the lone only child on that side of the family, so I have always felt like a little bit of an outsider- my cousins always had their brothers to share inside jokes with. I feel a little closer, now that I can see their vacation photos and comment on their status.

I hope facebook turns out to be more like Google- an internet mainstay, than now-obsolete MySpace, which I never used. I don't use twitter, but I will if I have to... Who knows? I may learn to enjoy it.

8 Things the Sun brings to mind

I can't ignore the sunshine today. I tried to play it cool this weekend, and not get giddy about the weather. "Oh, is the sun shining today? I hadn't noticed..."
Well, no more! I surrender to you, Ra!
Great Aten, your rays stir my soul. Apollo, the warmth from your sun inspires me. Helios, I am awakened!

Here are 8 things that I am looking forward to now that it looks like Summer really may come again soon.

1. The backyard swimming "pool":
We are on our second blue Hefty Bag pool. We've got a monstrous one, armpit deep. Most of the time, it is a complete pain in the ass- we have to store it for nine months, set it up, keep it clean and covered... not to mention it takes up a quarter of the back yard and it kills all the grass under it. We forget all that when it is 95 degrees and we are floating on our Recline-o-matic beer holder chaise lounges. Running Seal Belly Slides over the side are the best!

2. Farmer's Market: Almost every Saturday, we ride our bikes to the Farmer's Market and buy lettuce, eggs and whatever else is in season. I usually get a pastry, too. I have an awesome bike with an awesome basket on the front, and I am awesome.

3.Motorcycle rides: We have a "Hardly Davidson"- that is, a 1981 Honda Nighthawk cruiser motorcycle. Spencer gives me rides in the summer. I put my hair in pigtail braids, and put on a bandanna and boots and a leather jacket and I look like the shit. Then we go to the post office.

4. Scooter Shopping: I am not confident enough to operate a motorcycle... but I dearly want a scooter. I shop for scooters almost every summer. I'd really like a 1985 Honda Spree. I would absolutely buy one... if I could figure out when I would ever ride it. I sometimes map out non-freeway routes to work. It would add about 45 minutes to my commute to ride a scooter to work. last summer, when gas was $4 a gallon, it was almost worthwhile- except scooter prices doubled, too.

5. Camping: We surely love to take the RV out in the summer. Madison likes camping because she can run around all she wants, and we let her make a fire. I like camping because BURNABLE DISHES! and Spencer likes camping because I don't mind if he sits around the fire and drinks a bunch of beer... because somehow, it's different than sitting on the couch and drinking a bunch of beer.

6. Baseball: I know that there are lots of women who do not enjoy watching their husbands play baseball. I've learned to appreciate the opportunity to sit down for three hours, away from the phone and the computer, in the sun. Usually, a picnic of sorts is involved. What's not to enjoy?

7. Open windows: There is nothing finer than a warm breeze through a clean house. The best we can do at my house is a warm breeze. I enjoy having the doors and windows open... it makes the house feel tropical. Unfortunately, Spencer enjoys air conditioning, so "windows open" is a home-alone thing for me.

8. Hot nights: More than hot days, I love being outdoors on hot nights. It's just so cool! It's dark, but still warm. Ah, August...

Things I have learned this week

Sunday Again! The weeks sure fly by. This weekend went quickly because my dad came to visit. Dad has a high activity- to- hour ratio- that is to say, he can squeeze a week's worth of "stuff" into about 36 hours. I didn't learn amything about distilleries, or Newport, but I like this picture of the distillery sign that I took in Newport in February.

*I learned about golf push carts. Push carts have three wheels, and you put your bag on them and push, as opposed to pull carts, where you pull. Pull carts are convenient because they are smaller and you can store your bag attached to the cart. Push carts are superior because you don't tip the cart to move it... so you don't spill your beer. My dad bought one for my husband, it even has a hand brake!

* I learned quite a bit about men's formal attire. We went suit shopping for Spencer today. He needed either a suit or tuxedo, either would be okay at the dinner we are attending next weekend. We started at Men's Wearhouse, where the extra-attentive sales girl showed us sport coats for $180.00. Too much money. Then we checked at Gottshalk's, nothing impressive. We figured that we wanted to spend about $200, and if we couldn't get a nice suit or jacket for that, we could rent a tux. Then, we went to Mr. Formal to see how much a tux rental would be. Mr. Formal sells their rental tuxes- we ended up buying a nice tuxedo, including new shoes for $209.
Spencer will have an opportunity to wear it once or twice a year, so we feel like we got a good value. We will see on Wednesday, when we pick it up.

* I learned that at Goodwill in Silverton, Oregon, everything is $2.99, or 5/$10 everyday. THAT is how much thrift store stuff should cost!

A haiku

Dad came to visit
Frenetic pace all day long
too tired to write more

Aluminum Foiled Again

Here in Oregon, as in many states, we pay a deposit on most of our single-serve beverage containers. Beer bottles, pop cans, and now water bottles... we pay a nickel apiece at the checkout, then return them to the grocer for a refund.

In theory, it's a good idea. Literally tons of glass, plastic and aluminum are kept out of landfills, and our parks and roads are free of beverage litter and broken glass bottles. Most large retailers have machines set up outside the store that count your empties and issue a receipt that you can take in to the store to redeem for cash.

In practice, the bottle bill is a pain in the ass. We have to save up our empties- separate of course, from trash and recycling. Then, we have to remember to bring them back to the store. Then, we have to deal with the three big problems with can returns:

1. Each store is only obligated to accept returns for products that they sell. Which means if you bought Dr. Skipper from Safeway, you can't take those cans back to Fred Meyer.

2. The machines I mentioned earlier are quite prone to fill up, jam, mis-print, reject, mis-read, or otherwise malfunction. This means a trip into the store to the customer service desk. The customer service lady pages the lowest man on the grocery totem to the bottle return area. It always takes him about 5 minutes to finish his smoke, then another 5 minutes to walk all the way through the store to get to the machines. When he finally does show up, he usually does something like the Fonz did to the jukebox at Arnold's, and the machine resets itself and works again for another 40 cans or so.

3. Due to the above problems, a cottage industry has arisen: Seagulling. Seagulls are the men on bicycles who stand about 20 yards away from the machines and wait for people to walk away from their broken machine in disgust, or for someone to throw their Select Diet Cola cans into the trash at Albertson's. You can feel their eyes boring into the back of your jacket, waiting for you to give up. The Seagulls have plenty of time to wait for customer service. The Seagulls have plenty of time to shuttle their wares between grocery stores. The Seagulls are not bothered by the stench of month old beer bottles. I think the Seagulls are getting wealthy one nickel at a time.

I've been haunted lately by the ghosts of unfinished projects. When I see a fun craft online, or when I am inspired to get out the sewing machine and make a pretty spring skirt, my unfinished projects call to me from their shopping bags. I've decided not to start any new projects until these three things are done:




1. Green sweater:
I really liked this pattern when I found it in February. I rushed right out and bought yarn, and got a good start, but I've lost my enthusiasm. Perhaps because the weather is getting better, or maybe it is because St. Patrick's day has come and gone.
current progress: 50% done
The hold-up: This sweater pattern is easy, repetitive and boring. It would be a good pattern to work while sitting and watching TV, but since I decided to write every day, I don't have time to sit and watch TV.
Target Completion Date: April 23. I have committed to entering something crocheted into a contest on the 24th. (that's another post.) If I don't finish the sweater, I have a couple back-ups, which sort of defeats my "Gotta finish before the deadline" purpose.

2. Felted sweater quilt:
A couple years or so ago, I decided it would be neat to felt old wool sweaters, cut the sweaters into squares, and make a quilt. I went to the thrift store and bought as many wool sweaters as I could find. I washed and dried them until they were good and thick. I was so excited for my blanket that I thought I would just "eyeball" the squares, knowing that the strips wouldn't be perfect. I told myself that my blanket would have wabi-sabi.
So, I cut and sewed, and now I have a wool quilt top with puckers. When I lay the thing out on the floor, it looks like the blanket is trying to make a turn to the right.
Current progress: Either 80%, or 20%. I am to the point where I either finish it or take it apart and start over.
Target Completion Date: May 17.

3. Bag made out of bags: Last summer, Madison and I saw a girl carrying a tote bag that was crocheted using strips of plastic grocery sacks instead of yarn. We both thought it was cute, and I thought, "I can do that." So I found instructions on the internet and began saving plastic bags. It takes an ungodly amount of plastic grocery sacks to make one crocheted bag.
Current Progress: 75% completed. I just need to make the flap and the strap. The pain-in-the-ass part is making more "yarn" as you go along. Also, I HATE the sound of crinkling plastic bags.
Target Completion Date: May 31.

So, if I meet my target dates, I should be all set to start some more projects that I won't finish in June. It's all about rewarding yourself.

I enjoy giving my money to Virgin Mobile.

Today is tax day, the day we are reminded that whether we like it or not, living in the U.S. isn't free. We are compelled to pay our taxes even if we don't like the way our government spends our money.
I've got lots of other bills, and for the most part, I begrudgingly pay them and accept whatever level of service the folks on the other end of the envelope decide to provide. An exception is Virgin Mobile. I like Virgin Mobile so much that I have decided to regularly post about companies that I enjoy giving money to, so that I can make them first. So far, I can only think of one, so this may not be a weekly feature...

Two years ago, Madison wanted a cell phone for Christmas. We thought she was too young for a phone (we thought she would lose it), but Santa disagreed and brought her a Virgin Mobile prepaid phone. It was a Kyocera Oystr, and I suspect he paid about 20 bucks for it. It came with some airtime, and it was already charged and activated. She was so excited to have a phone. The first call she made was to her grandma Pat. After she was done telling grandma all about Christmas, she handed the phone to me. I was shocked at how loud and clear the call was. To this day, I don't know if it is the phone itself, or the service, but Madison's call quality is far superior to her parents'. (We had Qwest, now Verizon).
Prepaid plans can be kind of confusing, and I didn't know much about them other than the minutes were expensive and you had to buy cards at the mini mart. Santa must have done his research, because with VM, you can choose from three or four prepaid plans. Since Madison rarely uses her phone, we chose the plan where you pay $20 every 3 months to keep your phone number. I don't know how many minutes that gets her, but I can tell you for sure that it is WAY more than she ever would use.
Madison took pretty good care of her phone. However, after about a year, she did lose it. Virgin sent a couple emails reminding me to add minutes, but I didn't because Madison had misplaced the phone. When about 4 months had passed since my last top-up, instead of disconnecting the service, Virgin Mobile added $10 to the account to keep it active. Shortly thereafter, and completely coincidentally, we found Madison's phone. I checked her balance on-line, and saw that she had about $75 worth of airtime saved up. I can't believe that VM didn't make her forfeit the balance in her account, even though the deal was, pay every 90 days, or lose your minutes and your number. Also, I found another great thing on the website: A promotion that lets you pay $15 every 3 months, instead of $20, if you sign up for automatic payments. We signed up. That's $5 a month.
This Christmas, Madison asked for a web-enabled phone. Once again, Santa came through. Her new phone was a UT Starcom Arc. Data packs through Virgin Mobile are $20 a month, which I agreed to let her try, seeing as the money in her account sorta sits there.
She was so happy to be able to email from her phone, but unfortunately she lost it. Luckily, we still had her Oystr, and we were able to switch her number back to her old phone for free.
When she finds her new phone, we will be able to switch it again for free, but she won't have the data pack for a while... She'll need to demonstrate that she is responsible enough not to lose her phone first.
I can't say enough good things about Virgin Mobile, especially if you are looking for a phone for your kid, or someone else who doesn't talk much. Customer service is excellent, albeit quirky... The automaton that answers the customer service line has a very urban accent and uses slang- "Hey, what's up? Thanks for callin' Virgin Mobile. This is Simone. Let me look up your digits."
However, you can ask for a live agent to help, and they pick up right away and are quite knowledgeable and helpful. You can change or add features on the website, and the phones are reasonably priced.

Hooray Virgin Mobile. I gladly pay you.

Isn't spelling one of the 3 Rs?

Two weeks ago, Madison called me at work. She was at school, the dismissal bell had just rung.
"Hi, mom?.... I forgot to tell you that the club is closed today."
Panic set in. This is the worst case scenario, the thing we have talked about, but never really planned for.
Madison goes to school outside her area boundary, which means there is no bus to and from home. I drive her to school, and after school, she rides the bus to the Boys and Girls club, where she stays for an hour and a half or so until her father or I pick her up.
Her dad and I each work 35 minutes away from Albany, in opposite directions. It's a pain to get to school if she is sick. Thankfully, she's the perfect- attendance- never-sick type of kid.
But, inevitably, it happened. We quickly decided that she would ride a bus to the high school closest to our house, and walk home from there. It's about a three quarter mile walk, and she has never done it alone. She did it, it went off without a hitch. The 30 minutes between that phone call and the "I'm home" email were pretty tense for me. During that time, I did a little investigating. Why weren't we aware that the club would be closed? I checked the calendar on their website, and the closure wasn't listed. So I called. They said that they had notified the schools the week prior, and they left it up to the schools to get the info out. The school told me that the news had been passed along in morning announcements. Madison told me that no one can ever hear morning announcements.
So I decided that I would get in the habit of checking the school's website at least once a week to read the announcements.
Today, I did exactly that, and I saw that the school spelling contest was scheduled for today, after school. Spelling is Madison's forte, she was her elementary school's champ. I called the school and left a message for her to call me. In the meantime, I sent out a few emails to my friends in Albany to see if anyone could pick her up from the contest, since she would miss the bus to the club. I arranged a ride for her, and she called to say that sure, she would enter the contest.
I wished we had more notice, I could have helped her study. I could have made sure she had a good breakfast. I assured myself she would do fine.
She called me when she got home... she won. It was literally no contest. She was the only kid who showed up. She didn't have to spell a thing. The school will contact us with the information for the district contest.
I don't understand how this can happen. How can a school have one kid show up for a spelling contest? Honestly, I don't understand why it's optional... but I suppose that's just me.

Eight websites I often visit

I can waste an inordinate portion of my day on the internet. Besides facebook and blogger, there are some sites that I visit every day, and others that I would like to. This isn't a list of little known websites- three of them are or were owned by internet giant Gawker media. It's just my List of 8 for this week.


ravelry- This is a wonderful resource for knitters and crocheters. It's a great place to find patterns and photographs of finished projects, which is helpful for me since I have a hard time imagining things in any other color than the one shown on the front of the pattern. It's kind of a pain that you can't register right away- you have to request an invitation... but it does come, and it's worth it.

etsy- Etsy is the internet marketplace for handmade goods. It's also a treasure trove of craft inspiration and ideas to steal. The best place to buy personalized paper goods, period.

Jezebel- Gawker's slutty little sister. I have to get my celebrity gossip somewhere, and jezebel filters it better than Perez Hilton. Sometimes a little too feminist and self-righteous for my tastes, but for the most part funny and smart.

Consumerist- I loves me some consumer news, ever since I was little and watched Herb Weisbaum investigate shady mattress dealers in Seattle. Consumerist used to be owned by Gawker, but apparently it was not profitable, so it was put up for sale. Consumers Union, who publishes Consumer Reports, bought it last year, and it has been even better. They are currently running their second annual "Worst Company in America" contest... Can AIG beat out last year's winner-by- attrition, BOA? (Countywide won last year, but BOA got the trophy when they took over Countrywide.)

lifehacker- Gawker's nerdy cousin. Lifehacker has a lot of computer-related posts that I frankly do not understand or care about. Occasionally, though, they will make a post written for the average computer user that is really helpful. Like use firefox, youmail, and gmail. I use these three products daily thanks to lifehacker.

instructables- You can learn anything on the internet, and instructables will teach you how. You can learn how to make a light saber, a lemon cake, knit a sweater, change your oil, train your dog...

FARK- a great place to find funny news stories, and funny headlines for unfunny news stories. The photoshop contests are often hilarious.

grooveshark- you can play any song for free, as often as you want, no registration, no installation, no problems. You can build a playlist and save it. They are working on a mobile app, and as soon as that is available, I can see no need for iTunes.

Things I have learned this week

I spent the day with my daughter and Julie Andrews today. We watched Mary Poppins twice, and the Sound of Music once. These old movies make me want to wear skirts and blouses with smart wool coats and gloves. They make me want to watch my language, but never bite my tongue. I think the world needs more Julie Andrews, so I am doing my part.

It's been an incredibly busy week, here are some things I have learned:

* Zales sucks.

* There is such a thing as Easter Trees. I guess I have been oblivious for a while to the latest trends in Easter decor. My Girl Scout troop received a donation of Easter Tree ornaments, so we had to make trees to hang them on. They turned out cute. According to the internet, Easter Trees aren't a recent Target invention- they have been a Scandinavian tradition for many years. Who knew?

* I learned how to import a blogger template. I am mostly happy with it.

* And here's an idea I had, not really something I learned: I think Easter should rotate dates through the year. My daughter, who is a pain in the butt to get out of bed 363 days a year, pops right out on Easter and Christmas to see if anybody left her anything. What if she never knew when to expect baskets or gifts? Every day would hold the possibility of something exciting. Perhaps I just need to show her that the possibility already exists every day.

Derby Day

Today was the Pinewood Derby for Albany's Girl Scouts. 53 girls and their families spent the past week or so sawing, sanding, priming, painting, stickering, gluing and/or blinging their pine blocks into lean, mean downhill machines.
It was a close race this year. A pink flowery rectangle took home the grand prize. There was an orca, a pencil, a school bus, a box of Girl Scout cookies, an English trolley and an ice cream truck, along with dragsters in every possible shade of pink.
Madison's car, which is in the top right hand corner of the photo, was "waves", driven by a mermaid. The mermaid drove very safely and cautiously. Madison was hoping for the "Safe Driver" award (last place), but she didn't get it- she ended up somewhere in the bottom quarter, I imagine.

You may also notice some changes here at CBL. If you haven't noticed, you need to wake up and pay attention. I am still adjusting and tweaking... try to bear with me.

I might be kind of a heathen.

Today, my friend invited me to her church on Sunday. She made a half hearted attempt, it went something like, "Here, I am officially inviting you to church on Sunday for Easter" as she dropped a card into my bag. I told her thanks, and I that I appreciated the invitation, but, uh, you know... And she said yeah, she knew, but she was supposed to invite one person.
I'd like to go to church on Sunday. I'd like to dress up, and wear a hat. I'd like to experience compassion and fellowship and tolerance. I'd like my daughter to go to CCD classes and have her first communion. I'd like to. but.
I've been to Mass a few times here in Albany, and even though I knew all the words, recitations and prayers, I felt like an outsider. I got the feeling that this isn't the kind of church where you can stop by once a week and get free wine and crackers. This is a community. There is a heirarchy.
I'm comfortable with God. I guess I am not that comfortable with church. I think God's okay with that, and here is why:
You know how much you love your kid? Would you ever let your kid die, for any reason? no. It's unimaginable, unthinkable.
God let his kid die for me. That's how much He loves me. It's unimaginable, unthinkable. He loves me more than I love my kid... and He loves me even if we have a long distance relationship.

So while I am not 100% comfortable in His Church, I do occasionally worship at this church. Ramen.

Happy Easter.

A short story

My daughter has Turner Syndrome. Turner Syndrome is a rare growth disorder that affects one in every 2000 girls.
We found out last fall, when she was 11 years old. We knew that she was short, but we weren't too concerned. I guess it's a good thing that her pediatrician was concerned enough to send us to Doernbecher childrens hospital to see a pediatric endocrinologist, Dr. Madison. (cool, huh?)
Dr. Madison ordered tests and told us she suspected Madison had growth hormone insufficiency. She told us a little about Turner Syndrome, but no one really thought Madison had it because she doesn't exhibit many of the classic TS features: short, webbed neck; barrel shaped chest; and out-turned elbows. Madison just looks like a short little me.
I remember when Dr. Madison called with the diagnosis. She was so thoughtful and went to a lot of trouble to explain the diagnosis carefully, but to be quite honest, I didn't hear anything after "Syndrome". I had done enough internet research to think I knew that the news wasn't good.
Which brings me to the point of today's post. There is not a lot of TS information on the internet, and what information there is is often misleading, conflicting, discouraging and flat-out false. We waited a month for an in-person appointment with Dr. Madison to go over my daughter's treatment plan and prognosis, and also to have more tests for many of the associated medical problems that can go along with TS.
TS girls often have heart deformities. Aortic valve anomalies are common. Madison had multiple EKGS and a cardiac ultrasound. She has mild widening of her aortic root, but her cardiologist is not concerned. We are extremely fortunate that the cardiologist she sees, Dr. Michael Silverbach, has a particular interest in TS girls. He has authored or co-authored most of the research out there pertaining to cardiology and Turner Syndrome.
Another common defect is kidney deformities. Again, we dodged a bullet. Madison has two separate perfectly functioning kidneys. It is not uncommon for girls with TS to have one large horseshoe shaped kidney.
Hearing loss is also common. I have read that most of the adult women with TS use some sort of hearing aid. Spencer and I were certain that Madison had hearing loss... but it turns out it is only the selective hearing loss that most kids have.
Many girls with TS have learning disorders. Madison is a straight-A student who has been identified as intellectually gifted. She won her school's spelling bee. However, she has some problems with spatial things like tying her shoes. This may be part of Nonverbal Learning Disorder (Excellent spelling is a sign of NLD) , which has been linked to TS, but we aren't pursuing any type of treatment because she does so well academically.
What Turner Syndrome means for us that Madison will be significantly short, and her ovaries won't work. We give her human growth hormone injections every night, and they are working. When she reaches an acceptable height, (We are hoping for 5') we will discontinue the growth hormone and she will begin taking estrogen, at which point puberty will begin. Unfortunately for Madison, this may be 3 or 4 years from now.
It means she will not be able to get pregnant with her own eggs. If she chooses to become a mother, her options are adoption or donor eggs.

I know that there are parents out there like me, who are scouring the internet for any type of information. I am confident they will find this post. I hope that they see this and realize that there are a lot of variables, and every girl is different. I can say that some of the best TS info I have received is from other parents. There is a great TS group on Yahoo!, and the TS society has conventions every year. We will go this year, since it is in Portland. I am looking forward to it, and I know Madison is, too. Maybe we will see you there.

I admire guinea pigs.

I am intrigued by "All-or-nothing" social experiments, where people do (or refrain from doing) a certain thing for a specified amount of time, and then report.
"Super Size Me" is probably the most well-known of these social experiments. Morgan Spurlock ate only McDonald's food for 30 days, gained weight, and made a film about it.
I thumbed through A Year Without "Made in China" - I tried to read it, but it was a boring book about an interesting idea- one family's year of buying nothing made in China. They found it difficult. I am not sure whether or not they found it rewarding.
That lead me to Not Buying It: My Year Without Shopping, which I checked out from the library, in the spirit of the book. I am glad I did, because I found the book unreadable. But the idea... the idea is fascinating.
The "no-shopping" idea may have been inspired by "The Compact", a group that started in San Francisco, with the intent of reducing consumerism by refusing to buy any new products. Mercifully, there is an exception for some "personal" goods.
There was an article in O, the Oprah magazine. The author promised she was going to "live the perfect life" for 30 days. Turns out, she just exercised and ate healthy food everyday. Big deal.
The most interesting account of one of these social experiments was The Year of Living Biblically. It's a great book about an agnostic Jew's attempt to live as the bible instructs- literally- for a year. Funny, educational, thought-provoking. A.J. Jacobs, the author, had an advantage over the others as he was a writer before he became an experimenter. He had previously conducted a social experiment in which he read the entire Encyclopedia Brittanica in an attempt to know everything there is to know.

I guess I am thinking about these experiments now because I have made my own commitment to write every day for a year. The idea was sort of hatched when Megan, my cousin, told me that she had thought about doing her own 365 project, where she takes one photograph every day and posts it. It turned into an "I willl if you will" situation... and here we are, nearly one week in. I'm not certain I can be interesting every day for a year. If I only had some sort of "thing" I could blog about....

I've considered: No sugar (too difficult), No profanity (not interesting), Give one thing away per day (logistically challenging, but not impossible- however, what's the point?), no TV (too easy)... I read once that if you study any one thing for 30 minutes a day, you'll be an expert in a year. Maybe I'll test that theory. Now, what to study?

Eight things I like about Albany, Oregon

A few years ago, I was thumbing through an Oregon guide book. The entry for Albany began similar to this: "Perhaps no town in Oregon presents such an ugly face to passersby than Albany."
It stung a little to read, but I couldn't argue with the guy. From the freeway, Albany appears to be little more than a stinky paper mill and some trailer parks. The "real" Albany lies about a half mile west of the interstate, and it's a good (not bad, not great) small city. Or maybe it's a town.
We chose to move to Albany from Stayton because my husband was working in Albany at the time. Shortly after we moved, he was downsized, and he hasn't worked in Albany since. We stayed, because there are a lot of things I like about Albany. Here are some of those things:


* Albany is not pretentious. Albany is geographically situated between Corvallis, a college town with a hip, Sunset magazine feel, and Sweet Home, a failed lumber town with a COPS feel . Albany's vibe is right in the middle of "hip, trendy" Corvallis' and "those folks just don't know any better" Sweet Home's. Albany has just enough culture to support a community theater and a few museums, but not so much that residents have to search too hard for a check cashing joint. Our homes are generally modest, but they do have functioning plumbing. Our cars are seven or eight years old, but they run.

* Albany is bike-friendly. There are no hills in Albany. Most of our major arterials have wide bike lanes, and drivers are polite to cyclists. There are 3 kinds of cyclists in Albany, listed here from least to most common: The Serious Cyclist, who probably uses his bike to commute to work in Corvallis; the Family Cyclist, who only rides between May and September; and the DUI cyclist, who got his drivers license revoked and rides year-round out of necessity.

*River Rhythms/ Mondays at Monteith: Albany's two summer concert series. The "bigger" acts play Monteith Riverpark on Thursday evenings, Mondays are for local and regional artists. Twice a week in July and August, Albany residents bring their blankets and picnic dinners to hear live music on the banks of the Willamette. The last show of the season is usually a state fair caliber artist- we've seen the Dixie Chicks, Sugarland, the Oregon Symphony, and Los Lobos. It's a great family atmosphere, there are arts and crafts tables for children. It's all free- but the city does "pass the hat" to help with expenses.

* Albany Parks and Rec. department: There's no excuse for being bored or sedentary in Albany. We have a ton of parks- one in every neighborhood, the aforementioned Monteith River Park and it's opposite-shore sister Bryant Park; Timber-Linn Park, which is home to the Albany Art and Air Festival and the Timber Carnival, a smaller outdoor ampitheater, numerous soccer and softball fields, and a veteran's memorial; as well as a skate park and an outdoor pool/ water park. The parks department takes great care of its facilites. On top of that, they run a top notch community education program. They offer music, exercise, outdoor skills, cooking, dance and home improvement classes, and maintain a busy calendar of trips and tours for Albany's seniors. In addition to putting on River Rythms and Mondays at Monteith, they produce an annual Children's Performing Arts series that features musicians, pupeteers, acrobats and other educational entertainment for kids. I can't say enough about how well I feel my municipal tax dollars are spent.

*The railroad: Albany is sometimes referred to as "Hub City", a nod to its glory days as a major hub in the golden age of rail. Though that age has passed, Albany is still bisected by a major railroad. Waiting 10 minutes for a train to pass is part of life in Albany, and "Sorry, train..." is a perfectly acceptable excuse for being a minute or two late for an appointment. We can hear the whistles in the distance at night, and they remind me of church organs. A couple years ago, our train depot was restored and renovated, and our now famous "Albany sign" was erected.

*No Wal*Mart: (for the time being): There is only one Wal*Mart in all of Linn County, in Lebanon. It's easy for me to stick to my "I'm not shopping at Wal*Mart"principles when I would have to go pretty far out of my way to buy cheap Chinese crap there. I get my cheap Chinese crap at Target and Kmart in Albany.

*Our new library: If Albany has one thing to be smug about, it's the new library. A generous anonymous donor gave millions of dollars to our library so that they could buy and renovate a vacant office building. The remodel is complete, and our new library is spacious, quiet, contemporary and functional.
*Our old library: In the early 1900s, Andrew Carnegie funded the construction of about 2500 libraries in the United States. Albany has one such library, and it is still in operation. There is a fireplace that gets lit during the Christmas season. The library is small, crowded, dark and wonderful.

I don't think Albany will ever be my hometown. It's where I live now, and I like it most of the time. It's my daughter's hometown, the place she will always think of when she tells her "Back in the Olden Days" stories. I think it will make a nice setting.

Over before it began

The newsletter from the natural foods co-op came in the mail early last week, but I just got around to reading it yesterday. I was excited to see that the co-op will be offering their very popular Beginning Home Beer Brewing class this month. I had found, it would seem, the perfect pastime for my husband and I. I would get the benefit of dabbling, and my husband would get the benefit of beer. Win-Win!
I asked Spencer if he would like to take the class with me, and he amazed me by agreeing, in his own Spencerey way, even though he lacks appreciation for the co-op.
"Which socks should I wear with my sandals?" I think is how he put it. This is significant because Spencer usually just tolerates my goofy ideas, and waits for me to get bored and try something new. He's never participated before.

I read him the course description from the newsletter. Classes are 2 hours long, on Mondays, beginning... April 6. Tomorrow! I was disappointed, as I know from reading past newsletters that the brewing classes fill up fast. I didn't figure there would be spaces available, but I called the store to check.
Lo and behold, there were slots available. In fact, they had almost canceled the class due to lack of interest. I guess the recession has hit the hippies. The guy I spoke to said we could register right before class.
So Spencer and I went to bed, thinking that today would be the beginning of our journey into homemade beer.
This morning, I remembered that Madison has soccer practice tonight, and every Monday. Logistically, it would be difficult, at best, to get her home from practice and fed and make it to the co-op on time. Plus, today is Opening Day, and we have a tradition of eating hot dogs in front of the TV on Opening Day.
So we decided to hope the beer classes are offered again. I think we were both looking forward to spending time together and sharing a project, more than the actual class itself. Well, that's what I was looking forward to, anyway. Spencer was probably just in it for the beer.

Things I have learned this week

Today in the lovely Willamette Valley, the rythmic hum of lawnmowers fills the air. It is a sunshiny day and I rode my bicycle to the YMCA and back. The front door is open.

* I am an excellent starter, but a piss poor finisher. This personality trait may have something to do with my "dabbling". This week I started writing daily. I have three or four pieces started, but I can't seem to finish them. You may have noticed that the soccer post ends sort of in the middle. This is an example of the piss poor finishing I am referring to.
* My cousin Megan has a blog and is doing a 365 photos project. She takes great photos, and she is hilarious. I have something to look forward to each day.
*Costco has pulled a muffin switcheroo. Muffins used to be 18/ $6.49. The crappy part was that you either had to buy 18 bran muffins, or buy the assortment they chose, which always seemed to include 6 poppyseed that nobody likes. Now, they package the muffins in individual flavor trays, 6 to a tray, and let you choose 2 flavors for $6.49, which effectively raises the price of the muffins from 36 cents each to 54 cents each.
* my keyboard doesn't have the "c with the line through it" cents symbol.
* I want an old school Nikon or Olympus camera with lots of lenses and filters, and I want to learn to use it to take amazing photgraphs on film.
In conclusion, I learned some things this week.

Ole Ole Ole

Soccer season started today in Albany, Oregon. About one hour after dawn, SUVs and pickup trucks began filling the gravel parking lot at the city park near the airport. Parents filed across the wet grass to secure a good spot on the sidelines. Players searched out their teammates and began passing their balls back and forth. The balls bogged down in the freshly mowed grass and were followed by small rooster tails.
As game time neared, I dug my whistle and stopwatch out of my bag and removed sweatpants to reveal my referee's shorts and socks. I left my jacket on as long as possible. I asked my daughter to be a linesman, which she was thrilled to do. I think the coaches may have questioned that assignment, as Madison is about as tall as their 7 and 8 year old players, but she is almost 12, and a stickler for rules.
I checked the players' shoes and shinguards, and made sure they weren't wearing any jewelry. I made my same old joke about removing belly button piercings, and they all laughed.
The game came and went rather uneventfully. I only had to stop it once for tears- a redheaded defender had to pee real bad. I think the Daisies bested the Petunias 4-3, but I am not exactly sure since we don't keep score. Everyone's a winner!
I thanked my young linesman for a job well done as we walked to the regulation size Under 14 field for her game.

New Neighbors

I miss Perfect Neighbor Pat. Pat bought the house next to ours about 3 years after we moved in. He bought it from Duke and Kelly, who we called the Puke and Smelly, because if it was funny in the third grade, we like it here in the Headley house. We were glad to see Puke and Smelly go, because frankly, they were a little too uppity for our neighborhood. All the houses in my neighborhood were built in 1964. The houses are all rectangles. We all have two car garages, and we all have washers and dryers in the garage. Which means most people do not park two cars in their garage, because if you do, there is not room to do laundry. But Puke parked his Suburban next to the washer and dryer, and backed it into the driveway each time Smelly needed to do a load of laundry, then returned it to the garage as soon as she finished. Sometimes three or four times a day. They really needed to get to a fancier neighborhood with utility rooms.
We couldn't have asked for a better neighbor than Pat. He was friendly, but not too friendly. He was a salesman for the radio station, and a tennis instructor at the tennis club, so he would come and go a lot. Every time we were outside together, he would say "Well, hello there!" and make a comment about the weather. That's it. He drove a BMW, which was a little too much class for our neighborhood, but we forgave him because he is single. He kept his lawn mowed. He was perfect.
We were shocked when a woman moved in with him. He was 40ish, sharp dresser, good job... we just assumed there was never going to be a Mrs. Pat. We were astonished when he moved out with the woman and put his home up for rent.
The first set of renters had small kids, loud voices and pit bulls. They were gone after a month or two. The next two guys were muffler haters. They liked to warm up their rigs for 10 to 20 minutes, and they were LOUD. Nice guys, but that got old. I was not sad to see them packing up last weekend.
Today, I have new hope. I see that a young couple is moving in. She has nerdy glasses like me, and he has long, but not too long, hair. They have a dog, but no kids.
I want them to be the kind of neighbors that bring over a box of apples from their tree. I would give them flowers or zucchini. They will roll my trash cans up to the house on Thursdays, I'll pick up their newspaper if they go out of town for the weekend.
Maybe we will be friends. Maybe they are the type of young hipsters that entertain, and they will invite us over for grilled tuna. Maybe we will discover that we have things in common, like a love of all things cycling. Perhaps we will wile away many a hot summer evening in the back yard, under a string of white lights, listening to Adult Contemporary music, drinking wine and beer and discussing nerdy things like shopping at the co-op and alternative transportation.
But I'll be satisfied if they just keep the damn grass cut.

The first step is the hardest, I hope.

I am a dabbler. You can see that I dabbled in blogging in 2007. I've also dabbled in guitar, dance, soccer, swimming, running, photography, knitting, crochet, yoga, gardening, bicycling, recycling, freecycling, motorcycling...and now I am back to blogging. It's cyclical, I guess you'd say.
I am back to blogging because I enjoy writing. I wrote an essay, which I posted to my facebook page, about a trip I took with my dad and grandmother. Pushing the "publish" button was a thrill. I can't explain why I was so excited about it. I knew the essay was poorly written and in need of some real editing. Nevertheless, I enjoyed it so much I wrote another essay that I entered into a contest. (A very, very small contest) I have since checked out three or four "How to write" books from the library, and done my internet research. It seems the first step to improving one's writing skills is to...write every day. I hope it works. I cook every day, and I'm no top chef.
I have now tasked myself to write daily. Will I publish daily? Probably not. Logistically, it would be impossible, I am not near a computer every single day... although there aren't many days when I am not. I certainly don't want this blog to turn into a list of my ailments, or a tribute to my daughter's achievements. I'm also pretty sure that I don't want this to turn into a blog about blogging.
Here then, is my short story contest entry.

Caller i.d.
by Kaycee


As a teenager, I was a master of the prank phone call. I had my own specialty call that I used to delight my friends at sleepovers and birthday parties. I had a special knack for staying in character and sounding grown-up and professional.
In most towns, kids use the phone book to pick random numbers to call. In Naselle, we used the phone book to choose exactly who we would call. Teachers were off-limits, as were the sweet old ladies who gave full size candy bars for Halloween. There were no strangers in Naselle. It was impossible to call someone that you didn't know without paying long-distance charges.
One evening, I got a little cocky. I'd called two or three folks who didn't hang up right away, or threaten to have the call traced. My friend T.J. dared me to call his grandmother, who was also my school bus driver. My mean, bossy, unhappy, intimidating bus driver, Mae. He dared me. I had no choice. I dialed the last four digits of her phone number- Naselle was so small that the first three digits were superfluous. My friends listened on the extension phone.
"Hello?"
"Yes, Hello, Ma'am. This is Donna at Land-O-Latex in Santa Anna, California. I am calling about an order we received for 12 Galactic Prophylactics." I spoke fast, and used a terrible accent.
"What's that?" She sounded mad, as if she was getting ready to tell someone to SIT DOWN.
"Ma'am, unfortunately, the agent who processed this order did not make note of the size that was ordered. What size Galactic Prophylactic would you like?"
"I don't know what this is about. I didn't order anything."
This is where people either hung up, or got hooked. I always kept the phone book handy so that I could read their address back to them.
"Ma'am, once again, I really apologize for any inconvenience, but the order has been paid for, and is ready to be shipped to P.O. box 48, in Naselle, Washington.... I just need to know what size Galactic Prophylactic you would like." I mispronounced "Naselle" for authenticity.
Mae laughed a little. "Is this for real?"
"Yes, of course, Ma'am. Small, Medium, or Large?"
"Large, I guess."
"Well, ma'am, you are certainly one lucky lady. We will get those 12 Galactic Prophylactics shipped out right away. Is there anything else I can help you with this evening? We have a full line of latex novelties."
"No, I think that's it."

I thanked her, hung up, and my friends and I had a good laugh at how gullible Mae had been. Congratulatory high fives were shared.

Monday morning, as I boarded the bus, I pretended to be looking for something in my bag so that I didn't have to acknowledge Mae. What if I cracked up? When I got to my seat, she caught my eye in the mirror and said, "Good Morning. Donna... is it?". I swear she winked.

I still like turtles.

Great News, Reader! (Who am I kidding?... Great News, my cousin Megan!)
I have returned to my blog. I'm excited to write.