8 people I get to spend the holidays with

I have some crazy relatives. A couple are bona fide bananas, the rest are just run-of the mill nuts. I love them all, I really do...(And because I love them, I changed their names.)

* Crazy Uncle Ray is my husband's schizophrenic uncle. Ray spends his days drinking coffee, rolling cigarettes, and smoking cigarettes. I've only been told of the schizophrenia diagnosis, but it is obvious that there is some other mental impairment happening.
He lives in Coos Bay, but he comes to visit for holidays. He is missing many teeth, and he has poor muscle tone around his mouth, so we all have to be sure not to look directly at him during meals, else we get a unobstructed view of the food in his mouth. When he comes to visit, he stays with

*Grandma Betty, Ray's mother, my husband's grandmother. She carries no diagnosis that I am aware of, but she is a nutty old bat. If she doesn't feel like she is getting enough attention, she will just walk out of a room and go home, pouting. She also demands that on Christmas morning, all of the children tell her who each gift is from. This is her way of teaching them to be grateful, I guess. She also wraps up her old jewelry and gives it as gifts to the girls. But not in an heirloom way. In a crazy way.


*My nine-year-old nephew Trevor, who wants handcuffs for Christmas. That's all he wants.

* My husband's autistic brother who runs into traffic to collect pop cans. He also has some issues with keeping his mouth closed when he eats. My husband has to carefully plan his seat at the dinner table so that he doesn't face his brother or uncle Ray. I came to the conlcusion recently that my mother and law and her son are just younger versions of Betty and Ray.

* My mother-in-law, who is in charge of rations. She rations the food- dishing up the same amount of food for her 15 year old son as her 7 year old granddaughter. On Christmas morning, she forces my husband to play Santa, which means he is in charge of passing out gifts in the order she specifies. She puts numbers on the gift tags.

* The crazy doesn't end with my husband's family. We also get to host my father for Christmas. He is planning on being at my house for less than 48 hours, and he wants to : eat Christmas dinner, golf, and go shopping on the 26th. I told him we are planning on having prime rib for Chrsitmas, so now every time he sees a rib roast, anywhere, he calls to tell me the price per pound and grade, even though I have told him that I am not buying the roast until the 23rd. Today, he called to tell me what he got me for Christmas, so I didn't buy it for myself. He's practical.

* I can't forget my husband and my daughter, who are crazy enough to put with me. And really I could only think of six others.