8 things that are pretty great about the North Oregon Coast

Today, I took a trip to Warrenton to retrieve my daughter. What a nice day for a lovely drive. Here are 8 things that are good about that part of Oregon:

* Dooger's clam chowder: Dooger's , which started as a small cafe in Seaside, has expanded to Long Beach, Cannon Beach, and Warrenton. With expansion has come more than a little pretense, and the rest of their fired-seafood menu is no better than anyone else's. But the chowder. The chowder has magical powers, I swear. I think they use some sort of unicorn dust in it. It is that good. So good, it's almost dessert.

* The weather: We all know I enjoy the heat. But I also appreciate damp and cold... because then I don't look ridiculous in a sweater. Plus, no one does their hair on the coast... Why bother?

* The festivals: You don't have to travel far to bump into a festival. It seems like a different reason for vendors' rows each weekend. There is the garlic festival, seafood and wine festival, crab festival, regatta, kite festival, slug festival, festival of festivals....

* The drinking water on highway 26: Okay, technically, this isn't on the coast, but it's on the way to the coast: On either side of highway 26, about halfway between Portland and Seaside, there are two spring-fed water spigot/ drinking fountains. Today, we waited while a Moses-ish man filled about ten 5-gallon water drums and loaded them into his 4Runner. Then, we filled our 2 quart bottles with the clear, cold, sweet mountain water and marvelled at it all the way home.

* The water: The coast has water everywhere. Rivers, bays, and, obviously, an ocean. Here in the valley, I miss all the water. We've just got this one river that everyone seems to ignore.
Fun fact: The Willamette river flows south-to-north. That's up the map. Weird, huh?

* Sleeping on the coast: Most bedrooms on the coast lie near highway 101 or the ocean. many of them are hotel rooms. If you want to sleep with the window open in a cheap hotel room close to the highway, you can pretend the highway noise is the surf.

* Astoria: Astoria is enjoying a renaissance of sorts. They seem to have the correct ratio of hippie weirdos to rednecks that makes a town interesting.

* The Nutcracker: Every year, we try to go see Little Ballet Theater's production of The Nutcracker at Astoria high school. It is an impressive student production. The sets are beautiful, the costumes are nice, and the dancing is good. In the past couple years, they have added a live orchestra, which is nice to have for a ballet.

Things I learned this week

I believe that for the first time since I started blogging this year-so, April, I did not take any photographs this week. So I borrowed a LOLcat that I haven't seen before... and he makes me smile a little. Here's what I learned:

*I learned about an essay contest for Real Simple magazine. I just may enter it. I like having a reason to write. Unfortunately, if I do enter an essay, I can't publish it here until after I lose the contest.

* I learned that when my daughter goes to visit grandma, the first day is nice. I can have the house to myself, and watch what I want on TV or use the computer as I wish, or nap without interruption. The second day goes by pretty slow, as I am constantly wondering what she's doing. The third day, and any days thereafter, are pretty much no good.

* I learned about boomwhackers (link goes to youtube video) which are tuned plastic tubes that you bonk on stuff to produce music. I know, percussion is nothing new... but when you use bright colors and fun names, it feels new.

* I learned that I can't depend on the alarm on my blackberry, which is unfortunate, because I love it. For the past two mornings, the alarm has worked- silently. It's not a problem with my settings, and I didn't add any weird apps. A google search for "blackberry alarm no sound" reveals that it is not an uncommon problem, and there isn't an easy fix. Damn.
Waking up isn't so bad when it is to soft Chinese gongs.

I read the news today, oh boy.

That's right, nothing but Bad News. Even the good news is bad news today- great news, we found Jaycee! Bad news... about the past 18 years....
The top sports story is about Michael Vick.
Entertainment? Dj AM, who cheated death last year in a fiery plane crash, died today in his apartment with a crack pipe nearby.
Even the weather forecast sucks.

So for tomorrow, I'm making up my own news. Here are my improved headlines.

President Oprah's free pony emotional stimulus program is expected to be as popular as yesterday's go-kart giveaway.

Genius classified ad salesperson matches "lost" to "found"- puppies and children safe and happy.

Veteran cop honored for 25 years of good judgment and compassion.

10 day forecast: mostly sunny, 85.

Libraries report increased activity as cable companies announce less-than-expected revenue.

Global Cooling: Have we done enough?

Since discovering cure for cancer, scientist keeps busy working on weight- loss pill.

It has come to this.

suggested by Gemma Wiseman's Greyscale Territory ~ Poetic songlines

"If you were a tree, what would you be and why?"

The ultimate bad interview question.

My answer:
If I were a tree, I would be a plum tree, because I like purple, I like plums, I like flowers and I like fruit. A plum tree is strong enough to hold a tire swing.

Pretty easy question to answer, actually.

I can't be profound every day.

Ha ha, like I am EVER profound. (Geez, that was an important feature on macrame!)

Tonight, I am tired of the computer and tired of making ideas. I have been working on a presentation all day, which I will give to about 70 ESA (old) ladies on Saturday, about how facebook can help them stay connected and do good things.

I think I am prepared, I made a power point presentation... and I even have an idea for my opening joke, but I am not sure about it.
Here it is:

I must confess that this is the largest group I have ever spoken in front of, and I am a little bit nervous. Don't worry, though... you can rest assured that I am NOT picturing all of you naked.

what do you think?

I think bee pollen is a little like snake oil.

Lately, my husband and I have been taking a supplement called Sundown Mega Energy, which I found at my favorite store, the Grocery Outlet- or as I call it, the Rainbow Food Store.
I don't know why I bought it the first time- my guess is that I was feeling low on energy that day.
In any case, I took a tablet, and I thought I felt pretty good. So I told Spencer about it. He took a tablet, and he agreed. We don't feel hyped-up or nervous, just good. Like we have more energy.
So today, I googled "Mega Energy" to see what is in the magic tablets. I was wondering if it is like 5 -Hour Energy.
I looked over the list of ingredients, and I saw that it contains bee pollen. And that got me to thinking: What the hell is bee pollen?
If I remember the Birds and the Bees talk correctly, flowers make pollen, bees make honey. Bees get the pollen on their legs and transfer it to other flowers, right?
So is bee pollen just flower pollen?
I learned a lot about honey production last week, but I do not recall any mention of bee pollen.

I don't care what it is I guess. It just made me wonder.

8 things I did not know about honey production

Okay, maybe these should have been "things I learned this week," but I learned so much about bees and honey from my friend Erica this week that I thought they deserved a post of their own.

* Honey is not bee poo, it's bee puke. Where do they poo?

* different nectar produces different color honey.

* A super is a hive box that is only for honey storage, no brood.

* A beekeeper can increase the amount of honey in a super by preventing the queen from entering the box using a queen excluder. (This seems a tad rude to me.)

* When it's time to harvest, Erica wears a hat and hood, and if she thinks she is really gonna piss "the girls" off, she tapes her boots to her pants. She doesn't wear an astronaut suit.

*(Now I am at the point where I am going to basically caption Erica's photos.) Once the honeycomb is removed from the bees and the box (the stealing of the vomit),
it is scraped off with a pretty big knife.
* and then, (this was surprising to me) the honey is extracted from the comb by squeezing it in cheesecloth. Cool!
* Once honey is packed into jars, there is a strong possibility that bears will come steal it. A honey guard is a beekeeper's best friend.

Things I learned this week

Well, I did it. The computer room is somewhat tidy- right now, my keyboard has an echo. Now that it is better, but not perfect, I have a whole new list of wants. Besides my obvious need for a new window treatment in here, I want a new computer desk, and a little sofa and a credenza- not the captain's bed we have now.
I guess I learned I'll never be satisfied. Here's what else I learned:

* I learned that there is a name for obnoxious authoring, when the author gets in the way of the story with flowery prose and arcane vocabulary- purple prose. I may have already heard this once, but if I did, I forgot it. Purple prose makes me drop a novel as if it had been contaminated with anthrax spores. Oh, wait....


*I learned that there is a Vermont secessionist movement. Let them go, I say. What good do the rest of us get from Vermont, anyway? We can get all the New England charm and uppity-ness we need from Connecticut.


And here are some "befores."
They may soon be "deleted."

The junk room

Most people, myself included, have a junk drawer. I take that concept one step further with the Junk Room. We call it the computer room, because...that's where the computer is, but it is also the holding area for clean, unfolded laundry, the storage room for games and vacuums, the file room, the craft room, and the spare bedroom. It's the place where I shove everything else that doesn't have a home. It's about 12 x12.

I often dream about a nice orderly spare room, where I go to blog and, in the future, where I will write my novel. Where I will work diligently from home. Where guests will lay their weary heads after a long day and drift off, comfortable and wanting nothing. Where Madison can use the computer and SmartMusic to practice her clarinet. Where Spencer can take his tests for work, and our minds can focus at the task at hand, unfettered by the pile of laundry or the empty pop cans. I even have collected pictures and images that inspire me, and I have had them on a cork board in the computer room for a year or so.

This weekend, I have tasked myself to get the room in some semblance of order. We are having Spencer's younger brother overnight on Monday and possibly Tuesday. So, I've got my corkboard inspiration, and my need-a-bed motivation, and a great pillow that I got at an estate sale, and this incredible lamp that I found at a thrift store on Friday.

I saw it hanging up, and I looked for a price. Couldn't find a tag. I saw that a regular, plain lamp hanging next to it was priced at $20.00. So that was encouraging. Then, I saw another lamp, which was really ugly- no redeeming retro qualities at all that I could find- and it was priced at $300.00. I should have taken a picture of that, I guess. Anyhow, I asked the lady if the lamp in question was for sale, and if she knew how much it would cost. She got another lady, who got a ladder which she climbed. The tag was at the very top of the lamp, and she could see it, but she couldn't read it. She's 78, you know. I asked her if I could use her ladder, but that was against policy. So she asked the first old lady to get her the reacher-hook. 78 year old used the reacher-hook and about 20 minutes to finally see the tag. "Six-fifty."
WooHoo! Wait, "Six dollars and fifty cents, right?"
She laughed at me like she didn't know the price of the lamp in the corner.
So we got the lamp down, and I brought it home, and hanging it will be my reward for getting this room in order.

Or Zach might sleep on the couch.

I thought it was a treat but it turns out it was a trick.

I had a moment of maternal excellence today. This morning, as I drank my coffee, I flipped through Family Fun magazine, which I had brought home from the office to preview. Generally, I find most of their articles and crafts sort of... scrapbook mom-ish- and I am not a scrapbooker. I like to make things that are useful, not just decorative. Even useful and ugly is okay with me. Which brings me to the t-shirt.
Family Fun devoted two of their pages to upcycling t-shirts. This is not a new concept to me. What caught my eye was a new reason to up-cycle: to hide a stain.

Why, my daughter has a perfectly good t-shirt that she only got one or two wearings out of before it acquired an unfortunate chocolate stain.


This stain causes me chagrin because it is stronger than my laundry powers. I found the secret to defeating powerful stains in Family Fun magazine: appliques.
Here's a better picture of the stain. It's a little above center in this photo.

And so this evening, I did a Google Image search for "applique t-shrt" to get inspired. I rummaged through my fabric stash and found some felt and a printed cotton that I love, and got to work.
The layout:


I cut out the appliques, and began to sew them on by hand. I quickly grew impatient and got my machine out. I had the shirt done in about 20 minutes, and if I do say so myself, I think it turned out pretty cute. I would wear it.



Madison, on the other hand, thinks she will wear this shirt "maybe around Halloween" because it's "spooky." She's not planning on putting it into the everyday rotation.

Pink t-shirt, you win.

Soccer Mom Meltdown

Tonight, 100 girls and their soccer moms found out who they would be spending their Saturdays with for the next three months.
AYSO, American Youth Soccer Organization, has a "Balanced teams" policy, which means that teams are formed based on players' skill level- Each team in a division has some advanced players, some beginning players, and some in-between. Because players improve each year, and leave or join the league, new teams are put together by the board each year.

Madison's team is the Meteors, and for the first time in 8 years, her uniforms will be a non-florescent color- red and black. Red is Madison's favorite color, so +1 for the Meteors. One of Madison's good friends from school is on her team, a girl I adore, +2!
It's all going so well... it doesn't take long for the other shoe to drop. We have no coach. The other soccer moms and I sit and visit, asking each other vague yet pointed questions about how much experience their girls have, what teams they were on before (At this point, most of the girls have played together at least one year.) What we are really trying to figure out is: Are we going to be any good?
And then Anna comes. Anna, who Madison played with when she was 10, who my husband coached, who has incredible soccer skills. And she's on our team! Oh, we are going to be good alright.
All we need is a coach.
I'm out, I referee. My husband works weekends, so he isn't available for games. Someone else's dad is coaching another team. Another mom is on the board, she can't coach. We each mumble our excuses, some of us text or call our spouses to see if they can do it.
No one can do it.
Anna says her brother can do it. He's 17. He practically coached her team last year, she says. I remember him on the sidelines, coaching. I thought he was an out-of order spectator. Someone says we would have to check with the director. The director says okay... and now we have a 17 year old coach.
I can smell the steam coming out of the ears on the lady next to me.
"Don't you have to play for the high school team?" "Is that allowed?" "How old are you?" "Will there be an adult there? I mean, there has to be an adult at practice, right?"

I wonder if her problem was that he is young, or that he is Latino, but not out loud. I just tell him thanks so much for stepping up, because I want to be the Cool Mom. The director assures us that we will have an official adult coach, but that he knows Anna's brother will do a good job for us.

It's going to be an interesting season... Go Meteors!

It seems like August is only two weeks long.

suggested by Egyptian Home

"Are you looking forward to the next holiday? Why or why not?"

Our next holiday is Labor Day, and I am looking forward to it for three reasons. First, becuase the weather is always nice and hot on Labor Day. Second, (but probably should be first) my husband may get the weekend off, so we could do something fun together as a family. And third, because Labor Day signals the end of summer and the beginning of the school year, which, to me, is more like New Year's Day than January 1. New School Year means new clothes, new notebooks, new shoes. It's time to wear socks again. Even if you don't go to school anymore.

I'm a NaNoWriMo MoFo Fo Sho.

Just yesterday, I was thinking that I need less to do. That I need to stop signing up for things, maybe even un-sign up for a thing or two. That was yesterday.

This morning, I heard about National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo, on the radio. NaNoWriMo is a challenge to "one-day" novelists (those of us who want to write a novel one day) to take action and put words to paper in November. Anyone who produces 50,000 words by November 30 is a winner.

The idea is not to produce quality pieces of literature. The idea is to get people to create, to tell stories. To get lost in the process, to value quantity over quality. There is no expectation of grandeur, in fact, most writers are well aware that their novels will indeed suck. But I think I would rather write a crappy novel than wish I would have written a crappy novel.

There are a few rules. Basically, writers are allowed to research and outline as much as possible up to Halloween, but only prose written in November can be counted. Once a work is complete, it is submitted electronically for a final word count, which is done with software. It is possible to win the contest even if no other human lays eyes on your work.

This is perfect for me. I am so excited about it- no surprise, I get excited about things fairly easily. I think the best part is that it only lasts a month. NaNoWriMo is hard-core dabbling for the aspiring writer. I'm already signed up!

8 things I appreciate from the 1960s

I think Mad Men starts again soon. I haven't seen it, but I keep thinking I should watch it. I guess I never know when it's on. Heaven knows we watch AMC enough, I see zillions of previews.
I am happy that Mad Men is getting a lot of love, because it puts focus on the 60s, a great decade, I think. I can't say that I have experience with the 60s, as I was born in the 70s. But, still, they seem okay to me. Here are some things I appreciate from the 60s.

*Aprons- I started wearing aprons a few years ago when I started working from home, due to laziness. You see, I would get out of bed and ramble over to the computer, and maybe never change out of my pajamas, which have no pockets. So, if I got up for a cup of coffee or something, I would invariably have to go running back for the phone when it rang. Aprons were the solution- pockets without pants! I could carry my phone wherever I went. I have a collection of vintage aprons, and now I wear them almost all the time I am home.



*big hair- It's on it's way back, if bumpits are any indication. I look like crap with flat hair. I want bangs and big bouffant hairdos to be in style .


* hats and gloves- I am cold a lot, so it would be nice if I could wear a hat and gloves to my kids school or to the store without looking like I was playing dress-up. I may mount a one-woman campaign to bring back hats and gloves.


*skirts- I love skirts, because I am built for skirts, not pants- not because I don't like pants.

*A little chauvinism- I am a girls' girl, and I am all for girl power and fish without bicycles, but I still wait for my husband to open the door for me. I wouldn't want to break a nail.

*country music- at the risk of sounding like a douchebag hipster, country music was just a lot better 40 years ago than it is now. Rascal Flatts aren't fit to lick Johnny Cash's boots. A country boy band? Really?(Isn't she beautiful?!)

*mid century furniture- I live in a Mid Century house, so I appreciate small, low furniture that fits in my small, low house.


*macrame- I would be knotting right now if I could find supplies!

*lawn chairs- We have established that modern lawn furniture is laughable. I just needed an eighth thing.

Things I learned this week

I learned a lot of things this week, but I have already shared most of them. They seemed to be mostly food-related. Tonight, when Madison said "It's okay with her dad, can my 'friend' spend the night?" (yes, that friend) I learned I don't like surprise sleepovers and that I can hold a grudge against 12 year olds. Gotta let that go.
Unless it's some sort of mothery instinct. Perhaps I should listen to the bitch within....

The bottom of the barrel is covered with delicious yogurt.

I have almost nothing interesting to write about today, which leaves me with my go-to topic of late, food.

I made my first fondue tonight, inspired by the "Brewer's crab pot fondue" I had at Mc Menamin's in Vancouver. The fondue I made was not, in my opinion, nearly as delicious, but my husband liked it. It was more parmesan-y and thick than I had hoped, but curiously, my husband and daughter really liked it. We dunked cubes of crusty bread, chicken, zucchini and shrimp. We ate outside, that was nice.

After dinner, I popped open a cup of Rachel's Exotic orange, strawberry and mango (one flavor) yogurt, which I got at the rainbow food store, not Trader Joe's. I bought it because A. it was cheap, 2/$1, and B. the label was pretty.
Holy shit. It's the Best Yogurt Ever. I don't know how to explain it- but it tastes like FOOD. You know how you can taste the too-sweetness of high fructose corn syrup? Well, Rachel doesn't use it. And there's no artificial sweetener taste, either. It tastes like fruit and yogurt and sugar, blended up.
Of course, I've had a couple glasses of wine since, so maybe I am making a big deal out of some average yogurt. I'll try some more tomorrow and report back.

The Jedi Master at Trader Joe's

Today, inspired by Poor Girl Eats Well, Madison and I took a trip to Trader Joe's. I have been to TJs a few times before- long enough to grab a few bottles of wine and get a feel for the granola-loving atmosphere, which appeals to me. It never occurred to me, however, to buy groceries there, since the nearest Tjs are an hour away.

After reading the PGEW posts about Trader Joe's, I decided to give it a try. After all, we routinely drove to Eugene to go to Costco before Costco came to Albany. I decided to go to Eugene rather than Portland because I just like Eugene better.

Our first stop was the Eugene Goodwill, where housewares are crazy cheap. I got a fondue set for $4.00 and a nice big salad spinner for $3. I really needed that salad spinner.

Then, we got to Tarder Joe's, which is in a retail center with Old Navy, Borders, and Bed, Bath and Beyond. In we went.
It sure was crowded in there, with people who were in a hurry and knew what they wanted. I on the other hand, had nothing but time and a desire to look at everything. The price labels are kinda hard to find, they are on the shelf either above or below the item, and maybe a little to the left or right. They are hand written, and sometimes have interesting tidbits like, "Delicious in salads!" I guess everyone else had already read these.
I found a couple loaves of bread- not cheap, but seemingly free of chemicals. I noticed they had a great selection of single-serve salads, so I bought one for lunch. Madison got a little tray of California Rolls.
We skipped over much of the fresh fruit and vegetables. PGEW had mentioned that the selection is small and the vegetables come pre-bunched. I really like the produce I get locally, so I already had my mind made up not to spend a lot of time or money on fresh produce.

The freezer aisles, however, were awesome. I found the shrimp for $5.99, and I picked up a couple frozen lunches and some pizza thingies. While we were in the frozen food, a little girl came up to Madison and practically shoved her half-eaten fruit leather in her face, smiling. "Have you found Yoda yet?" she asked.
Madison looked at her like you would look at any kid who asked if you had found Yoda yet.
The girl's mom saw that we thought her kid was nuts, so she let us in on a TJs secret. There is a Yoda doll hidden in the store, and if kids find it, they get a free piece of fruit leather from the sample guy. The little girl pointed to Yoda, tucked in behind the Aisle 6 sign. Madison thanked her and went to claim her bounty.

We ended up spending about a hundred dollars, and the value will be determined by how much we like what we bought. I got a lot of new things to try, like gnocchi, which I have always wanted to try, but never had. We had it for dinner tonight and the gnocchi itself was okay, the three cheese marinara sauce I put on it was gnucky.
I bought canned Aloe Vera to try. To eat, like fruit! We shall see.
I bought a bottle of Charles Shaw Australian Chardonnay, and I wish I had bought a lot more. It is really really good. Worth the drive.

If only I had more time to dabble...

My guitar laughed at me the other day. I picked it up, inspired and strummed a couple easy chords... then my fingers started to hurt and I couldn't remember any more chords. Not like riding a bike, apparently. So I think that when school starts, I will start practicing my guitar again in earnest while my daughter practices her clarinet. If two hours per week is good enough for her, I ought to be able to do it, too.

Lately, though, I have been thinking a lot about photography. This is entirely due to facebook. I have a cousin who is an excellent photographer, and my husband went to high school with a gal who has her own studio.
I could do that, I think to myself. I could take a class, or check out a book from the library. Oh yes. I could get an old but fully functional Nikon camera, it wouldn't have to be digital to fool around with. Once I got good, I could invest in a really nice camera. Getting new stuff is an awesome side effect of dabbling. I took photography in 4H, and I won a blue ribbon at the state fair... I think that proves that I have some natural talent, right?

Who am I kidding? My camera would just be laughing at me in a couple years.

An empty belly is the best cook. ~Estonian Proverb

The problem with blogging every day is that some days are just not as exciting as others. I try to write about things that have my attention or pique my interest... and today, that's another blog.
I stumbled across Poor Girl Eats Well today when I googled "quinoa breakfast recipe". Kimberly is a single gal living in Calfironia, who shares her recipes and shopping lists.

I wanted to try every recipe she posted, which is unusual. Usually, I will pick out only one or two of a collection of recipes and discard the others as too fattening, too Mormon potluck, too much work or too expensive. Then, I have to discount all the seafood recipes as my husband does not enjoy meat if it didn't have feet. Her photos are nice, too.

So that's what was on my mind today. I ended up making up my own breakfast recipe, inspired by PGEW.

Quinoa with Cinnamon and Pears

1.5 C warm quinoa
1 T butter
about 2t cinnamon and sugar (I keep the two mixed together in a spice shaker jar)
4 canned pear halves, drained and chunked.

mix butter and warm quinoa. sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar. mix in pear chunks.

You're welcome!

mommy crack does not equal "great."

suggested by Blogletting.com

"Describe the last great book you read."

The Twilight books were good- I will say that Stephenie Meyer has a gift for storytelling, and I appreciate the fast pace of her books. I don't think they were"great" books, however- There were no opportunities to reflect on any deeper symbolism, no complicated characters. Just hot vampires.

So the last great book I read was The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz. It's a short book that Sr. Ruiz claims can transform a life. It didn't transform mine, but it did make me think.

Ruiz, a healer who decsended from a long line of Toltec healers, tells us that if we live our life according to these four principles, or agreements, we will have happiness and peace. They are:
*Be Impeccable with Your Word
*Don't take Anything Personally
*Don't Make Assumptions
*Always do Your Best

Sounds pretty straightforward, because it is. If you are a good, honest, hardworking person who realizes that it isn't about you, you will be happy. I already knew that.

The part that made me think was how Ruiz describes our life. I am paraphrasing when I say that we are all stars of our own movies, and all our movies are playing at the same time. We may be a supporting character in someone else's movie, but we should remember that their movie is about them.
This is an affront to my narcissism. Perhaps it is because I am an only child, or perhaps it is because I am human- I have to constantly remind myself that I am not the star of my husband's movie, or my daughter's. I think I might be the star of my Mom's, though. ( I kid, I kid)

So I either have more reading to do, or the Toltecs are full of shit.

Eight things about my Grandma Kay

Tomorrow is my Grandma Kay's 89th birthday. She is the matriarch of my dad's family, she didn't remarry after my grandpa died in 1980.

* She has her own exclamation. You and I may say "Geez!" or "Shit" or "What the Hell?", but Kay says, "Here!Here!Here!" Shes the only person on earth that says it. I think her headstone should say Here Here Here lies Kay.

* She has her own cheer. Give 'em the axe, the axe, the axe!
Where?
Right in the neck, the neck, the neck!

*She gets her excercise. Grandma used to walk everywhere, and she'll tell you all about it. Now that she's older, she does laps around her coffee table for a half hour every day. It keeps her young.

*She has her own phonetic system. Drink pouches are "caprishuns." Salad dressing (and Romans) are "Eye-talian." They eat "Par-MAY-zee-un" cheese. And don't get me started on the mispronunciations of the Mariners' names.

* Which reminds me of this funny story: She was trying to tell me about my cousin's girlfriend, who teaches kids with reading disabilities. She said, " She teaches the kids, you know, they look at the word, and it says one thing, but they see another, like the letters are all mixed up... What's that called? Dilexis?"

* She is a dedicated fan of Mariners defense. She watches all the games she can, but if the game is close, she will look away when the Mariners are up to bat. It makes her too nervous.

* She remembers birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays. She's got a whole lot of grandkids and great grandkids, and she hasn't forgotten anyone yet. Even in-laws get cards.

* She is sometimes hilariously inappropriate. *My cousin Megan is currently away from her computer. When she returns and reads this, I invite her to use the comments to relay the story of grandma quizzing her about 69 in the mall.

Things I learned this week

Here I am with my friends from high school, Heather and Erica. We had a great afternoon catching up, and I am excited to do it again soon.
Here is what I learned this week:

* I learned that we let our girlfriends slip away because they remember all the embarrassing and horrible things you did in high school. The good news is (at least in Heather and Erica's case) they understand, because they screwed up too. After all these years, though, we laughed like we used to, and it felt like I was young again, only smarter.

* I came to understand the love for Maggie Gyllenhaal after I watched Secretary. (not a family movie.) She makes sadomasochism adorable! Her Joker mouth will bother me a lot less now.

* Since we are talking about things that I discovered years after the rest of civilization, I also had my first quinoa this week. It's been in my pantry for a month or so. I decided to cook it up, and lo and behold, it is decidedly not bad. Better than brown rice, I say.

Things that go bump in the night.

I live in a normal neighborhood in a regular town. Not much happens in our neighborhood, and not much happens in Albany. There isn't a lot of crime, we know our neighbors...so, generally, a good place.
We lock the doors at night, and I have two large dogs that give me a false sense of security. I feel safe.

One night last year, we were all asleep in bed- it must have been about 3am. I heard a clamor in the living room, but I didn't let it wake me all the way up. I figured the big dogs had come in the house. ( I swear Murphy has an opposable thumb that can work the garage doorknob.) I hoped if I lay very still, they would make enough racket to wake Spencer up, so that he could get up and let them out.

More racket, really loud. Why isn't Spencer waking up? Are the dogs fighting out there? Is that grunting?

It's coming down the hall. Maybe the dog is hurt, it's bumping into things.

Jesus Christ, it's a person.

Going into my daughter's roomSpencerwakeuptheressomeoneintheHOUSE.

What happened next was surreal. It probably took all of two minutes, but it seemed like both a split second and an hour.

Spencer, naked, got up and tried to process what was going on. I heard groaning, was it Madison? I called for her. "Madison?" "uuuuuhhhhhh...."
"Madison! Are you okay?"
"uuuhhhhh"

Maybe she fell out of bed.
Spencer's got shorts on now, he gets to Madison's room, where he simultaneously flips on the light and grabs a handful of hair.
From the full grown woman sitting on the floor at the foot of my daughter's bed.
Drunk.

Madison is sitting straight up, wide eyed. She had been staring at the woman, and she had the oddest quizzical expression on her face- I guess the expression you would expect if you woke up and there was some lady in your room. Tooth Fairy? I asked her why she didn't yell. She said she didn't want to "alarm" her.

Spencer pulls the drunk lady to her feet and we escort her to the living room. She has no idea who she is, where she is, how she got here, or where she should be She seems to have only the slightest use of language. She smelled so bad it stung my eyes. Fortunately for us, she had the presence of mind to bring her purse. Spencer opens it, and finds that she recently applied for an Oregon drivers license, and she listed her address as kitty-corner from ours. Her other drivers license revealed she was from Arizona, and her name, which I probably shouldn't reveal, so I will call her BonnieMarie.

Spencer takes her across the street, where she rudely dismisses him, like she's afraid she'll get in trouble if the people at the house she lives in wake up and see her coming home with a stranger.

You may wonder why we didn't call the police. It all happened so quick, we didn't really have time. And yet, we did have time. I remember that we considered it, and we decided to just get her home.

You may wonder how she got in. Spencer sure as hell did! She used pure drunken power- our door was locked, and she rammed into our (old) door with enough force to pop the lock. We have since installed a deadbolt.

The dogs slept through the whole thing.

We see her now and then. I am 100% certain that she has no idea what happened.

Some Kind of Wonderful

John Hughes died yesterday. Here is Alison Fields' account of her two years as Hughes' pen pal. He really was a good guy.

So thanks, Alison, for sharing your story. It isn't often that we find out posthumously that celebrities were kind and generous.

Goodbye, John Hughes. I'll think of you every time the shitter's full.

The dumbest thing I've done in a while

One thing that I am proud of is that I quit smoking in November. I've gained about 15 pounds since then, and at first, I was okay with it. I thought I was just going to be a bigger girl, which was okay, since I was pretty skinny to start with. But it sorta started to get out of control. I couldn't buy new pants fast enough to accommodate my exploding ass. The weight gain didn't seem to be leveling off like I expected it to, and for the first time in my life, I decided I needed to lose weight because I was not happy with the way I looked.

So about six weeks ago, I tried no/low carbs. The problem with that diet was that I love carbs. So I decided I would only eat good carbs- whole grains, nuts, etc... which, of course, are not nearly as delicious as regular carbs.
A couple weeks ago, I decided it was time to get serious again. This time- exercise!
So I started walking every day, and that is going pretty well. I'm up to three miles a day, and I think I have lost a few pounds. My ass is currently at DefCon 2, or Threat Level Blue, if you will.

So I'm a little encouraged because I have started to see results. Yesterday was grocery day, I did my best to buy healthy foods that my family might also enjoy. I decided to re-commit to salads and vegetables and whole grains.
Then, at Costco, I cam across the Fullbar. The Fullbar, "Developed by a leading Weight Loss Surgeon" is supposed to work like this: You eat the bar and a full glass of water 30 minutes before meals, which makes your stomach think it is full. At mealtime, you will be less hungry, and therefore eat smaller portions, thus reducing your caloric intake.

This sounded reasonable to me, and the bars came in peanut butter flavor, so I bought a box.
I tried one last night, and 30 minutes later, I was satisifed with a small sandwich for dinner.

Today, I got to thinking.
Fullbars may be the dumbest thing ever, because they are 170 calories. I am sure I didn't shave 170 calories off my dinner... I mean, sure I ate less at that meal, but on the day, my caloric intake was probably the same. I could probably get the "full stomach" feeling with just the glass of water.

I bought snake oil. Ugh.

My (somewhat embarrassing) happy place

suggested by Life in Eureka Springs

"Describe your "happy place". What are the thoughts that help you escape from a stressful situation and calm you?"

Occasionally, when thoughts of all the things I need to do, but haven't, prevent me from sleeping, I go to my Happy Place.

My Happy Place is at my parent's house on a hot day. I'm reclining in a comfortable chair, and all the people I love are around me. We're having a picnic, the food is delicious and the beer is cold. I may also be smoking magic cigarettes that aren't addictive and won't kill me.
My friends Rob and Big have come, and brought their adorable bulldog, Meaty. They left Mini Horse at home,. which is just fine with me- I don't understand the mini horse love. They set up a skate park/ stage where Rob performs tricks and Big tells him to Do Work. Then, Rob gives some sort of crazy motivational speech that makes no sense, but kinda does. He's got to be the happiest man on earth, and all his happiness rubs off on me.

I've never stayed awake much past this point...

Grip it and Rip it.

There are many awesome things about Tiger Woods. 'He has that certain something that every pro athlete wishes for- clutch-ness. We all know better than to count Tiger out, ever.

For instance, last week, Tiger was 10 shots back at the Buick open, he nearly missed the cut. He came charging back the next day, and the next, and the next, and he won, of course. Because he's clutch.

Here is video of Tiger on the 18th hole, and it sounds (and looks) like he rips a juicy fart and then laughs about it. It's possible (probable) that the fart came from someone else, like perhaps one of the drunk fans- the Flintstones- that the Buick Open is known for. But I am going to believe that Tiger farted, then proceeded to win the tournament.

I like this development. I think it's time that we all recognized our gas. Think of the unnecessary abdominal pain we could avoid if we all just let it out. Think of how much happier the world would be if we all passed gas at will... Because is there anyone who doesn't think farts are funny? No.
Sure, we would smell bad. But we could shift our collective paradigm to congratulate each other on the magnitude of our stank, rather than chastise each other. Yes, it's a frat-boy state of mind, but who has more fun than frat boys?

I thank you, Tiger, and congratulate you. Your fart had strong tone and impressive tenor. You are a true champion.

8 things that remind me of my friends Heather and Erica

next Sunday, I am going to meet my friends Heather and Erica in Portland. I don't think I have seen Heather since my wedding, and it's been almost that long since I have seen Erica. Why do we let our girlfriends drift away? Although I haven't seen them, I do think of them often. Here are eight things that remind me of Heather, Erica, or both of them:

*The Kids in the Hall: I first saw TKITH on videotape at Erica's apartment. I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen- and they still crack me up. Here is a photo of my daughter the headcrusher:


*Jonathan Richman (with or without the Modern Lovers): Erica introduced me to this goofy troubadour, who is often featured in Farrely Brothers' movies. We liked to sing "Stop this Car, (I'm getting out)"

*Depeche Mode: Heather and I spent the better part of one summer driving to Portland to visit her boyfriend in the hospital. Heather must have only had two tapes in her car- Depeche Mode and Erasure- because either time I hear either of them, I am instantly tansported back to a white Dodge Colt with blue vinyl interior....

* One Crazy Summer/ Better Off Dead: I don't know how we enjoyed singing animated cheeseburgers without the benefit of any recreational drugs, but we did.

*Crosby Steals a Snack: Heather's innocent misnomer for Crosby, Stills and Nash.

* car pranks: I remember having my car filled with popcorn, and I remember only slightly filling other people's cars with flour (?) in retaliation. The funniest car prank was when Heather and Erica affixed a row of maxi pads to the bumper of my car the day after I had hit a pole (or something). For extra protection.

* rolling curfew: I remember that our curfews were something like 10, 10:30, and 11- so that we would have time to drop each other off and get home by curfew. I think our parents coordianted that.

* Code names: We tried, on more than one occasion, to refer to each other by our aliases (I think mine was Inez?) in public, so that kidnappers couldn't use our real names to lure us to their lairs.