Happy Halloween!

Madison was a gypsy.Spencer was a gypsy, too, and I was a pirate. We went to my frined Pam's house for a pretty neat Halloween party. Pam has a forest at her house. She built a door to her forest, which she calls the Narnia door. Behind the Narnia door, trails are lined with candles- some on the ground, some in trees. There are small houses behind the door, and a stage and a place for a fire. Pam and her band played music while the rest of us enjoyed the break in the rain. Pam's husband made caramel apples on a stick- but the sticks were the handles of disposable razors. The razors were still attached, but he did tape over the blade.
There was a bedside commode willed with water and apples for bobbing. A pack of tarot cards was laid on a table with a bundle of small twigs to burn for smoke. Watermelons (!) were carved into creepy Jack-O-Lanterns, and severed human limbs were tucked here and there.

Spencer by a tree full of candles. I think this looks like an album cover.

Happy Halloween!

I take a bite of a Soul Pancake

Soul Pancake is a website created by Rainn Wilson (Dwight from The Office, Rudy from Sahara) to explore the state of modern faith and creativity. Wilson is of the B'hai faith, which I have always found to be a nice faith because it is so inclusive. B'hais believe everyone is right.

Each day, maybe more than daily, Soul Pancake poses a provocative question which users answer. I am totally stealing this question and the image, and I hope they don't mind.

Are you a hypochondriac?

I am the opposite of a hypochondriac. Hyperchondriac? I prefer the term Illness denier. I am quick to dismiss symptoms. I have a wait-and-see attitude, and I am a firm believer in the tincture of time. I don't do self-exams. If I suspect something is amiss in my body, I just look it up on the internet and treat it with ibuprofen and/or gatorade. I am certain that I will not die of swine flu.

That is not to say that I think my attitude about my health is the correct one. In fact, I think it borders on weird, and it may not be the wisest of tacks to take. I have a little guilt because I am not a panic-and-call-the doctor mom. I took Madison in for all her check ups and immunizations and an occasional earache. Since she had an ear infection at every visit, she had a series of ear tubes and eventually had her adenoids out. I don't think that's my fault. I now know that chronic ear infections are a part of Turner Syndrome.
But I do wonder if I should have worried more about her size. If she had been diagnosed earlier, we could have started growth hormone treatment earlier, and maybe she would get an extra inch or so of eventual height.
Bah, that's crazy talk. Her first pediatrician was a geneticist, and he didn't suspect it.

Plan B.

Tonight was the NaNoWriMo kick off party, in Corvallis. I am so glad I went. Here's how it went down:

The invitation said the party was from 6-8, so I showed up at 6:05 to a room full of people, who were nearly done introducing themselves. I found a seat in the corner and introduced myself. The next lady was on her 8th NaNo, and she was recently contacted by an agent who asked her to do some editing on one of her older novels. Intimidating. The gal who introduced herself after her is on her second NaNo, she "failed miserably" last year. I missed the names and accomplishments of the other 15 people there.

Then, our leader Ellen started the icebreaker games. First, we had to write down where we were going to send our "inner editor" for the month of November. I said rehab, because my inner editor is a fat smelly drunk guy. We all read our various editor purgatories, then voted on the most evil place and the cushiest place. The winners got stickers. Stickers are a hot NaNo commodity. Only the coolest novelists have stickers.
Then we found the least and most organized novelists in the room. Since I have no outline, no names for my characters, no setting, no real "plan", I was co-winner for least organized. We each got a pack of index cards. I told Ellen that I already have index cards, but she wanted me to keep them because you can never have enough. Also, Madison was with me and she was coveting those index cards.
Then, we offered up our orphaned plots. We shared novel ideas that we hadn't quite fleshed out yet and made them up for adoption. I shared my "plan b" plot about a wealthy elderly woman who writes a letter to the world about her ungrateful family and pins it into the lining of a fancy coat (Perhaps a cashmere Norm Thompson coat?), which she donates to a thrift store. The buyer of the coat finds the note, and in turn writes her own story, which she hides in a donated item and so forth and so on.
And they LOVED it. They voted it the best plot.
So that's the novel I am going to write.

My "plan a" novel is still inside me, but it is so complicated that I think it will take about 11 months to get it untangled and ready to write for next year.

I forgot!

I have been making a daily post to my blog every day since April,without fail, unless I am out of town. Last night I forgot all about it, and here is why:

Every morning, I make a plan. I check my Google calendar, which I couldn't live without, to see if I have any girl scout stuff or ESA stuff or soccer stuff or library books due and what bills I need to pay. Then, I think about what is going to happen after school/ work: How is my daughter getting home from school? How long will we be home in the evening- do we have somewhere to be? What shall we eat for dinner? And recently I have had to add my television programs to the equation.
So last night, my plan was to do my blog before Glee.
But, no Glee, due to the World Series. My whole plan unraveled. I got sucked into reruns of The Office, and the The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, and I went to bed early at 9:00.
I totally forgot to blog. Weird. Usually, it nags at me.

Anyway. Tonight I am going to a kickoff party for NaNoWriMo writers in this area. I'll get to meet other people who will be writing novels in November. I am going to take the camera and high expectations that I will meet creative people that inspire me and that like to be photographed. I am also going to keep my ears open for good words. I need to enrich the old vocabulary, I think. If you hear any, let me know. This morning, I heard "jingoist." It's a winner.

The problem with healthcare in America

The problem with health care in America is that providers and locations accept different payments for the same service. For instance: Blue Cross Betty, Medicare Mary, Worker's Compensation Wendy, Car Wreck Carrie and Green Money Gert all see Dr. Doctor for a cut that requires stitches.

Dr. Doctor charges 400.00 for the visit and sutures, knowing full well that-

Betty's insurance will pay $150, Betty will have a $30 copay, Dr. D adjusts (writes off) the additional $220.


Mary's insurance will pay $85.oo, Mary will have a $15 copay, Dr. adjusts $300

Wendy's insurance pays a rate set by the state, (in most states comparable to medicare, but in Oregon, the reimbursement is pretty high) and she has no copay. Dr. D writes off the rest.

Wow, you might think that Dr. D is quite generous, writing off over 50%, but he does that because SOME insurance companies will PAY WHAT HE BILLS- like Carrie's, but only up to $15,000 or one year from the date of the car wreck.

And Green Money Gert gets a bill for $400. Even though Dr. D accepts $100 from Mary, he needs $400 from Gert.

They all got the same stitches. I don't think we can have a good conversation about capping costs until providers stop shifting the cost burden to the uninsured.

8 people I follow on twitter

I signed up for twitter a year or so ago, and I have yet to tweet. In fact, until about 6 weeks ago, I didn't follow anyone. Louie Vito, snowboard sensation and my favorite Dancing With the Stars contestant, changed all that. He was the first person I followed on twitter, and since then, I have added a few more. Since I don't know any real people to follow, I had to pick people I don't know. Or people who aren't real. Here are 8 that I think are interesting:

* Shit my Dad Says- Every day (or so) Jason tweets a funny thing his grumpy old man of a dad says.

* Rainn Wilson/ Soul Pancake- Soul Pancake is a website (and organization?) that challenges us to be creative. Rainn Wilson seems to be in charge of this. He is hilarious.

* Dr. Tobias Funke- The accomplished yet fictional analrapist/ aspiring actor/ singer/philosopher shares his innermost thoughts.

* Dwight Schrute- To complete the Rainn Wilson trifecta, I follow Dwight, who follows Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, and Ronnie James Dio, among others.

* OPB Click of Zen- Once week, OPB tweets a link to a cool video or photo or article. Fun.

* Stephen at Home- This is Stephen Colbert the performer, not Stephen Colbert who follows Jon Stewart. Equally as funny, and he is trying out a new character that loves Miley Cyrus.

* Judah World Champ- This is Judah Friedlander, who plays a writer on 30 rock, but to me will forever be he Hug Guy in the Everyday video. He's funny.

* Holly Madison- She was Hugh Hefner's #1 girl, but she has moved on to Vegas where she has her own burlesque show. I never really connected to her on The Girls Next Door, but I'm sort of fascinated by her now. She's friends with Rob Dyrdek, so she can't be all bad.

I don't follow Rob Dyrdek, but I have looked at his twitter page and it makes me feel old because I have no idea what the hell he is saying bout anything. But he inspires me and he makes me laugh.

Things I Learned this Week: Zombies on the Loose Edition

This week was a humdinger for learning things. I'll get right to it.

* I learned about Science Bowl. Honestly, last week I had no idea what it was all about.

* I learned that people with seasonal allergies should eat local honey.



* I learned discovered that there are a number of condiments. like Bragg's Liquid Aminos, that I had no idea about. Which reminds me of this:

* I learned just how big the universe is. Okay, I have no idea exactly how big it is, but I learned that it is a heck of a lot lager than I ever imagined. The link goes to a video that explains how the Hubble telescope captured images of galaxies outside our own, and how scientists used those images to produce an incredible 3D image of a piece of the universe. Prepare to be humbled.

* I learned that Powell's City of Books is just a little bit smaller than that.Madison at Powell's

* I learned that Buffalo Exchange is just a stinky, crowded second hand store. Sometimes the things I learn are disappointing.

* I learned that Canadians call their jeans "skinnies", and everyone there wears thong underwear. At least that's what I heard from a reliable source.

It's a dumb thing: Parking Ticket

I had a great day today, but I did a Dumb Thing- I took the big truck into Portland and tried to park it.
When I left Albany, I knew that parking would be difficult to find, but I thought I would just find a lot or garage and walk a little bit if I had to.
Nope. The lots have spaces the size of Smart Cars, not Stupid Trucks. The garages had ceilings six to seven feet high.
Finally I found a big spot on the street really close to the restaurant where I met my friends. And it had a meter nearby that looked like the one in the picture.
Let me be clear: I am not an idiot. I can operate a BlackBerry, a computer and even set the clock on the DVD player. But this machine really intimidated me. I had to put my debit card into the machine before I told it how long I wanted to park. I hit the Maximum button, and told it to print me a sticker which I affixed to my window.
After lunch, I fed the meter again.
After that, I did not.
After that, I got a ticket- and that's the Dumb Thing. If they are going to pay a person to go around and check to see if we have paid to park, why doesn't that person just put Parking Bills on our window? Why get the courts involved? It's Dumb.
Parking Tickets: a Dumb Thing.

I like winter. This picture cracked me up.

I am pretty excited for tomorrow. It's the last soccer game of the season, and then after that I am taking my daughter to meet my friends from high school Heather and Erica. We are going to have lunch and then go to Powell's. I, myself, have never been to Powell's. Madison has been on a tour of PDX, and they have a Powell's there, so she has been to a Powell's, but not the Powell's, City of Books. The lady at the PDX Powells told her that they have Webkinz at the big store so Madison is excited for that.
Then, I think we will complete our hipster afternoonin the Pearl at Buffalo Exchange, which is like Play it again Sports for clothes, I guess. We'll see.

At tonight's Girl Scout meeting, the girls got to learn how to light a match and stick lighter, and then light a candle and use the flame to fuse the ends of a length of polyester rope. It was review for most of the girls, but one of them had never lit a match before in her life. This was her second meeting. If you ever need to entertain a group of 10-14 year olds, give them fire and let them stick stuff in it. Magic.

I do pooh pooh you, hulu.

Today, hulu announced that sometime in 2010, they will begin to charge for content. Which means that I won't use hulu anymore. I will have to watch my programs when they are broadcast on TV, which means I will watch less TV. Oh well, easy come, easy go, I guess.

What pisses me off about TV is this: Networks and affiliates sell time to advertisers in order to bring me programs for free. This is good wampum. The wampum starts to go bad when I pay for cable, and the cable operators and cable networks sell time to advertisers so that I have to watch commercials during programming that I pay for. Either I pay, and get no ads- or Procter and Gamble pays, and I get ads. Those are my terms.
Those aren't my husbands terms, however. His terms are we will pay whatever necessary in order to watch live sports. Therefore, we pay for cable TV.

I won't pay for hulu, and I predict there are plenty of people like me, or, maybe even worse for hulu- people like me with TiVo or Netflix subscriptions, who get content on demand. Hulu is neat because it's free and easy. The minute they ask for an email address and a credit card number, they will go the way of Napster.

The best that I can do today

I have no idea what to write about today. I am attempting the sit-down-and-type method of getting things written.

I'm having a hard time thinking of a great Halloween costume. I'd like his and hers, and we will be at an outdoor party.

My daughter has been singing in the shower for 25 minutes. I don't get it. We have to order her to get in, and she won't get out. I'm not certain she's much cleaner when she gets out, either. But she's wetter.

Glee is on tonight, it has been getting steadily unfunnier. I'm going to give it a couple weeks.

Lightning and thunder woke me up iin the middle of the night last night. I don't remember that happening ever before. It was neat, I love storms.

Funnel cloud near Tangent today!

30 minutes in the shower....and we are out. Still singing.

School conferences tonight. We were behind a girl and her mom in math, and judging by the body language and tones of voices, the girl was not doing well in math. The girl was texting during the conference. The teacher didn't say anything, presumably because the girls mom was right next to her. It went on for about 5 minutes before the mom told her to put her phone away, which she didn't. I can't remember seeing anything so disrespectful, ever.

That's all I've got.

Let's go bowling!

Today was Science Bowl tryouts. Madison's science teacher asked her to come, so she did. I stood outside the classroom and listened to the tryouts, because I am a helicopter mom. I hover.
The first five kids to answer six questions correctly would be on the team. There were about 15 kids in the room, and for a while, I was nervous.
I did Knowledge Bowl in high school, but my school was so small that there were no tryouts, we just signed up if Mr. Smith asked us to. Our team would change with the sports seasons. We were definitely stronger in the spring, after football and basketball were over. We would travel to other schools for small meets every four to six weeks. We had a district meet at the end of the year, and one year we brought home a trophy. I remember that all the questions were extra hard and Evan, our physics guy, was getting a lot of buzzer time. We went to a tie breaker round and we all pinned our hopes on Evan. The question was "The right triangle is the logo of what fashion designer?" In a room full of nerds, I was the only one who knew Liz Claiborne, and the tie was broken. That was my competitive academics moment.
It turns out that I had no reason to be nervous about Madison's tryout. She was the first kid to six, she handed in her bell and was congratulated by her teacher and classmates- now her coach and teammates. It took quite a while for the next kid to get to six- another girl. Eventually, three boys knocked everyone else out, and the team is formed. They will practice twice a week until January, when they travel to Portland for the Regional Science Bowl, a one-day tournament for all the marbles.
Here is a sample question:

The evolution of flowers in many plants is believed to have depended most directly on the presence of which of the following:
W) insect pollinators
X) certain predatory carnivores
Y) symbiotic plant viruses
Z) fungi

Congratulations, Madison.

8 things I own, but shouldn't.

I've challenged myself to get rid of 100 things this week. I don't have 100 specific things in mind, but here are eight that are heading out for sure:

* The DingKing- this is some sort of suction cup contraption that pulls small dents out of automobiles. We bought it for a small dent in a truck that we don't own anymore, but we were too nervous to actually try it. So it sits in the closet.

* Tripoley- This looks like a fun game. We got it for Christmas, but it is still shrink wrapped because it's a 4 player game and we are a 3 person family. So we don't know if it's fun or not.

* I have a drawer full, no, over-full of phone cords, USB cables and printer cables from computers and modems I've had over the past 15 years. The only time I open the drawer is to add more cords.

* I have a gravy boat.

* Lotion. I have in my bathroom closet about 19 bottles of lotion. I could moisturize an elephant.

* I have not one but two butane powered curling irons, both with empty butane cartridges. I am only counting them as one of my eight things, but they will count as 2 of the 100.

* A bread machine. My second one! I had one, decided I never used it, and gave it away. Now I have another which I used for a couple weeks, but now it takes up space in my pantry.

* A yoga brick,which came with a yoga set that had a DVD I wanted in it- come to think of it, I don't use the DVD either. But maybe someday.....

Things I learned this week- Balloon Boy was a HOAX! edition

I'm so disappointed in myself for not smelling the rat that was Falcon's dad. Gawker has a pretty damning, although admittedly paid interview with a guy who says that Falcon's dad has spent a good deal of time thinking of ways to get the media's, and therefore the nation's, attention. Bastard.
Here's what I learned this week:

* I learned that Trader Joe's in Lake Oswego had its grand re-opening today. Madison and I serendipitously discovered that they had live music and face painting.

* I learned that I am just a big old softie. Regular CBL readers know that I cried all the way through Where the Wild Things Are- I am not sure why. Partly because I was so happy to see what I had always imagined on the screen, and partly because it was a pretty touching movie. It never occurred to me that Max's mom was a single mom.
Then, today, at the ariport, we were witnesses to a military homecoming. We saw soldiers coming home, kids running into their fathers' arms, and husbands and wives reunited after who knows how long. It was difficult to contain my urge to applaud.

* I learned that my daughter wants to be a wiccan for Halloween. She decided this because we found a white dress at the thrift store that is obviously a Ren Faire-type chemise. She said she wanted it so that she can be a wiccan healer. She is going to carry a book. So, this week, I get to learn more about what a wiccan is because I thought they were either some sort of devil worshipper or crazy hippy witches.

* And of course I learned about the dog grooming festivals where talented groomers fashion standard poodles into teenage mutant ninja turtles, Gene Simmons, zebras, dragons and other equally amazing creatures.

It's a Dumb Thing: Or Is it?

This morning as I was brushing my teeth and mentally preparing for my day, I remembered that today is Saturday and that I wanted to do a weekly Dumb Thing feature. And, I thought of a really Dumb Thing. Profoundly dumb. I thought, "Hey, that's dumb. I should go write that down." But because I like to argue with myself, my next thought was, "No, that thing is so incredibly dumb that you won't forget it."
Well of course I forgot it. So instead, I bring you the Teenage Mutant Ninja Poodle, which was featured at SuperGroom 2007. That's a real dog.
At first blush, the canine topiary arts are a Dumb Thing. But, the more you look at it... appreciate it... I mean, that dog is standing there with a ninja mask on!
As my husband pointed out, if it were possible for me to make Gus look like this, I most certainly would. And we would trot his fat ninja turtle ass all over town.
Dumb Things: Not as easy to spot as you might think.

Where the Wild Things Are

There are a few things I know by heart. I know e.e. cummings' poem "buffalo bill's". I know the Pledge of Allegiance, I know the Lord's prayer, the Apostle's Creed and Hail Mary, and I know Where the Wild Things Are.
I've loved the story since my mom read it to me when I was little and I bought the book for my daughter before she was born. I love the illustrations and I love the mischief and I really love Max.
So I was a little skeptical when I heard they were making a movie. A little happier when I heard Spike Jonze was directing the film he wrote, because I like Jackass, and also, Drew Barrymore dated Spike Jonze and I think she has good taste. But still a little skeptical. What could he put on film to fill two hours?
The story is Maurice Sendak's, (who produced the film, which I did not know until the end credits) with a few tweaks that surprised me, but I guess don't really change the story. The middle, which Jonze fills in, makes perfect sense.
The Place Where the Wild Things Are is visually stunning. The Wild Things themselves look perfect. What's really great is that the Wild Things get names and personalities, and they are perfect. Now I love the Wild Things, too...which makes sense, since they are each parts of Max's psyche. We get to take a trip into a 10 year old boy's head.
I have to admit, I began crying about 3 minutes in, and never really stopped. By the time Max left in his boat, I couldn't breathe through my nose and I couldn't see. I had to get to the restroom to blow my nose and dry my face, even though I knew it meant I would miss the last part of the movie. I told myself that I would get to watch it over and over again when I buy it on DVD the first day it comes out. It was that good.

Fly fly free bird

Funny thing: This morning, as I was digging through the pile of clean laundry on the computer room bed, looking for one particular sock, I thought to myself, "This is terrible. I am the happy-but-hopelessly-unorganized flitty mom from Wife Swap." because during the "meet the families" portion of those shows, there is always a shot of the laundry, neither folded nor put away. But I went on with my day, comforted by the realization that the haphazzard mom is always the one I like most.

At about noon, like the rest of the country, I caught wind of the story of Balloon Boy, Falcon Heene, and his supposed trip across the Colorado skies.
My first reaction, when details were sketchy, was that this kid must be the most awesome 6 year old ever. I had visions of a lawn chair tied to some helium party balloons.
When I saw the video of the JiffyPop craft hauling ass accross the sky,I thought, "My, but that is a fancy balloon. I hope that kid knows what he is doing. Also, cool dad."
Then I learned that the family had been on Wife Swap and I understood why I identified with these wacky people. When the balloon landed and Falcon wasn't aboard, I sorta knew he hadn't bailed out because if it is reasonable to assume that a certain kid may be inside a balloon such as his, it is also reasonable to assume he knows what he is doing- or at least he knows enough not to, you know, plummet to his death.
We all know now that Falcon was never in the balloon, that he hid in a box in the attic. I like the story better when he took to the skies, like Max took to the sea to get to Where the Wild Things Are.

I've spent the better part of a month wasting my time.

For a month or so, I have been trying to come up with a good plot for my novel. I have scrapped a few ideas because they are just too weird. Well, the standard for "too weird" has just been lowered.
Read this article all the way through... It's the story of a man who stabs his girlfriend's fish to win her love. The story gets better and better and better as the story unfolds. If I had made up such a cockamamie tale, I would have almost immediately dismissed it as too crazy.

I guess I am just not crazy enough.

Scored at the Thrifter: Cashmere coat, $6.99

"Scored at the thrifter" is how my friend described the procrurement of a skirt I complimented her on. I think it's a Phrase of Excellence. Here is a coat I scored at the thrifter:


It's a Norm Thompson coat, 75% cashmere, 13% wool, 12% polyamide (nylon)
It's the softest wool coat I have ever felt. No pills, no smells, no stains. It was very wrinkly when I bought it, like it had been in the bottom of a bag. The store where I bought it often has great stuff with wrinkles, usually with a dry cleaners number attached to the tag. I've always assumed that they weren't picked up at the cleaner, so the cleaner piles them into a bag and donates them every so often. I'm not certain that's the case with my coat- it didn't have a number attached to the tag- but it is possible, especially considering that the coat smells fresh.
I have a mink collar that fits on the coat. I just might attach it.

I really love thrift shopping. I love the idea of finding unique, well-made treasures to wear and for my home instead of settling for what I can find at Target, Old Navy or Kohl's. However, I really DO NOT like thrift shopping at Goodwill, and here's why: it's the most crowded store in Albany, always, and I can't figure out why. Things that are donated to Goodwill stay at that store, so the things for sale at the Albany Goodwill were readily available (and probably for half price) at Old Navy, Target, and Kohl's six months ago.It's a bunch of cheap crap.
The Salvation Army, however, gets their merchandise trucked in, from presumably more affluent areas. It's not unusual to find high-end goods mixed in with the Exhilaration! fleece hoodies, and for the same price.
I don't have to shop at thrift stores, my husband would want me to be sure to tell you.
I just like to. I love the thrill of a bargain.

Eight things to enjoy about my husband being out of town

Sometime next week, my husband will be out of town for a while. I can't be more specific than that, because my mom gets mad at me if she thinks I put too much stalker bait on my blog. So, listen up potential stalkers (the following may or may not be true): My husband might be out of town, but he might come back on a moment's notice, and also I have weapons and mean dogs and I will be on my period and I am NOT shaving my legs. So if hairy and cranky is not your cup of tea, move on.

Here's what I am looking forward to:

*Sleeping diagonally- The best part of the single life is the ability to have my head one one side of the bed and my feet at the other.

* Seafood- My daughter and I may have iodine poisoning by the time he gets back...

* TV- If I am being honest, the reason I don't watch too much television is because it is pretty much always tuned to sports. With Spencer gone, I'll be able to watch Dancing with the Stars and Glee and VH1 and all the other gay stuff I watch.

* Picking out our Halloween costumes- we are going to a party when he gets back, and I am in charge of costumes. I have no idea what we will be. I think the party is mostly outside, so I am leaning toward Eskimos or Ski Patrol dudes.

*Losing a little weight- I am going to take this opportunity to eat all the weird healthy stuff that is inconvenient to eat with him around, like whole grain bread and bean...stuff. I will definitely be bacon-free.

*Preparing a place to write- I would like to make a small corner of some room conducive to writing my novel.

* Strong coffee, everyday.- I like my coffee robust, my husband prefers a more subtle cuppa. Usually, this means I make him a pot in the drip coffeemaker and I make a pot in the french press, or if time is an issue, one of us chokes down the other's brew.

* Just enough autonomy- It's nice to be self-reliant. There was a time a few years ago when I was home by myself all week, and he was only home on weekends. This meant that if something went wrong on Monday, I had to figure out how to fix it or wait until the weekend. Usually, I could figure out how to fix it, or who to call to get it fixed. I've become something of an amateur plumber over the years. It's nice to know that I can be self-reliant, but I have to admit that there is a lot of comfort to be had knowing that I have a safety net coming home to fix things if I really screw up.

Next week, my 8 things will undoubtedly be the things I hate about being a temporary single mom.

Things I learned this week: Sheet bend edition

This week, I learned how to pick a lock and how to make a backpacking stove out of beer cans, but I got so excited about those things that I already shared. Here are some other things I picked up this week:

I learned how to tie the following knots: square knot, bowline, half hitch and two half hitches, taut line hitch, and clove hitch.

I learned that I want a Nikon D40 for Christmas.

I put two and two together- I realized, with my husband's help, that NFL wide receiver Chad Johnson, who had his name legally changed to Chad Ochocinco (which is hilarious), is the same Chad Johnson who played at OSU a few years ago. I'll be darned.

It's a Dumb Thing.

Martha Stewart has her Good Things...the Crazy Blog Lady has Dumb Things. Dumb Things are all around us. Many times we let fashion magazines convince us that Dumb Things are cool things, like legwarmers, clutch purses, and kitten heels. Everywhere I look, I see Dumb Things, and people who need to be told what Dumb Things are. So, as a public service, I shall use my tube to point out the most egregious of these Things.
This week, I came across a crochet pattern for a water bottle carrier. I can't figure out why anyone would need one. Is there a woman who needs more stuff hanging off her shoulder? Are there men who want to have the purse experience without the purse? Do we need to strap our bottled water to ourselves to prevent thieves from making off with it? No, we don't.

The water bottle carrier: It's a Dumb Thing.

It turns out that the Oscars aren't the only bullshit awards.

Today it was announced that President Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize, which sure looks like a penny.
I don't think he deserves it. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a super guy, and a hell of a lot more peacy than president Bush, but not worthy of the most prestigious international award.
Dennis Kucinich, Cindy Sheehan, BILL CLINTON, Deepak Chopra, Richard Simmons- there are five names off the top of my head ofAmericans who have done more to advance peaceful human relations this year than the president.
So, to President Obama, I say: Congratulations... and earn it.

The universe wants me to do cardio.

I've been preoccupied by my Pouch Revolution for the past couple days. Today I went through my closets, reexamining my purses and bags with an eye toward reconstruction. Nothing.
On my way to the grocery store, I thought I probably ought to check out the Salvation Army to see what sort of pouches they had to offer. They had many Clinique and Lancome giveaway pouches, but nothing that struck me as the perfect pouch. (The pouch suggested in yesterday's comments is close to what I want, but I either want leather or fabric, not faux leather. Especially not faux ostrich) The truth is, I am happy to have a mission for a while. I can look in thrift shops for vintage pouches, I can look in the fabric store for great fabric if I decide I want to sew my own pouch.
Anyway, I digress. At the Salvation Army my daughter and I also found a vintage stationary bike. It was a substantial piece, and it had three gauges- a speedometer, an odometer, and a kilowatt meter, which made me wonder if this was some sort of electricity generating stationary bike. Madison and I each took a spin on the bike, but none of the gauges worked and I really had no intention of spending twenty perfectly good dollars on a exercise bike. So off to the grocery store we went.
And on the way home, a block from our house, we spotted an exercise bike in someone's yard, next to a pink sink with a "free" sign leaning on them. Well, the Good Lord didn't bless me with a station wagon so that I could drive right by free crap, you know. So I slowed down, backed up, and loaded the EXERsystem 5000 into the back of my car...and drove away real quick before anyone could see.
A couple minutes later, we had the bike in the living room and gave it a good once-over. It all seems to be in fine shape, a little rust here, a little dust there. The speedometer/odometer doesn't work, but Spencer says he can replace the speedometer cable if I really need to know how fast I'm not going.
And that's the story of how I acquired my first ever piece of home exercise equipment. You can see by the photo above* that the EXERsystem 5000 is a quality machine for quality people. Like me.

*That's not my bike, but mine looks just like it. I stole the photo from here .

Cool things to do with a beer can

Look at this!
It's a video that demonstrates how you can pick a Master padlock with a shim made from a beer can. I love little hacks like that. Here's another cool hack that uses three beer cans and a penny to make a acohol burning backpacking stove. This stove is so intriguing to me that I am going to buy the old man a six pack of Heinies tomorrow so I can build one.

I feel a revolution coming on.

I've had enough of the purse. Not any purse in particular, purses in general. I don't like shoulder bags because they always seem to slip off my shoulder. I've had a few handbags, which always seem to end up in the crook of my elbow, unzipped, mashing into parked cars. A clutch is pretty much out of the question.

My problem is that I pack around a lot of crap. Books, paperwork, mail, magazines, pop, medication, yarn, ponytail holders, camera... all these things are presently in a large messenger bag. Sometimes, I pack delicious lunchmeat. I also need my essentials: phone, wallet, a pack of gum, keys, and a woman product or two every once in a while. I get frustrated when I have to dig through the non-essentials to find my keys or gum.

The only solution I have come up with is a main small bag, which is presently medium size messenger bag (too big) which I tuck into one of three larger bags depending on where I am going. The messenger bag for work, a large tote for weekend outings, or a backpack for hands-free weekend outings. The main bag holds the essentials: keys, wallet, phone, gum.

What I need is a smaller small main bag. Maybe not a purse. Perhaps a pouch of some sort. I think the difference between a purse and a pouch is that a pouch has no straps. The difference between a pouch and a clutch is that a pouch is not the stupidest thing ever invented.
I am going to think on this pouch idea and perhaps revolutionize the way we haul our crap around.

eight delicious foods you can hunt or gather in the Pacific Northwest

No real revelations here today, but my husband is out hunting and for dinner tonight I had beef stroganoff with chanterelle mushrooms that was so very tasty... I got to thinking about how lucky we are to live in the Northwest, where Mother Nature provides us with quite a bounty.
When we first met, my husband used to tease me about my hunter/ gatherer family. My mom often prepared meals using only what we had hunted or gathered or grown in the garden. And when I say often, I mean we could eat like that for all of August, September and November. We did buy the Thanksgiving turkey at the store, but if we could find the place where the ones with the TenderTimers roam free, we probably would have got it the old fashioned way.

* Deer- My one observation about deer is that the ones on the west side of the Cascades are sorta gamey and best for jerky. The mule deer from central and eastern Oregon are tender and delicious and not gamey at all.

* Elk- One elk can feed our family for a year. Elk meat tastes an awful lot like lean beef.

* Crab- Up until a few years ago, you didn't even need a license to catch crab off the Oregon coast, but you do now. A daily license is $3.00 and you can keep 12 dungeness and all the sweet red rock crab you can catch.

*Clams- Clams are animals...so when you catch them, it's hunting, right? That's the way I look at it. Clamming isn't as easy as it sounds- especially when you are hunting razor clams, which run away from you. They can be very wily and it takes a true sportsman to bring home a limit.

*Fish- I'm not much of a fisherman myself... the last time I caught a fish that I ate was when I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. My mom cooked up a 6 inch trout that I think I caught out of Lake Twelve. I probably snagged it. But, if fishing is your thing, the Northwest offers abundant salmon, trout and steelhead, which is a trouty salmon. Or salmony trout. Steelhead are nature's (delicious) transvestites.

* Blackberries- They grow like weeds all over the west side- large juicy ones, and small tart ones. All delicious.

* Mushrooms- We love to find chanterelles in the forest. We see lots of other kinds of mushrooms, too, but we are only sure-sure about identifying chanterelles. They are so tasty.

* Water- Okay, sure, water is everywhere. But I declare that the water that comes out of the fountains alongside Hwy 26 between Portland and Seaside is some sort of magic potion water. It's cold and clear and sweet and...wetter than other water.

Things I learned this week- Nanook edition

Yesterday, Madison and I and some friends from ESA went to the Jensen Arctic Museum in Monmouth, Oregon. It's a funny little museum on the campus of Western Oregon Univeristy that houses a collection of arctic artifacts that belongs to professor Paul Jensen, a WOU education professor who fathered a program to send student teachers to remote Alaskan villages.
The collection of Alaskan treasures is impressive, as is the interactive taxidermy display.

Here's what I learned this week:
* I learned that Nanook is the native Alaskan word for polar bear. I thought Nanook was just some guy of the North.

* I learned that the Alaskans use seal skins, whole, as floats for their harpoons. I didn't learn how they do it, but they decapitate and skin seals, then somehow hollow out the skin, leaving a sealskin balloon, which they over-inflate and fasten off at the neck. I probably am not describing it right, but it's cool.

* I learned about "dead peasant" insurance. Dead peasant insurance is life insurance paid for by large corporations on their peon employees, who likely don't know about it. Wal Mart has admitted to it. When the peon dies, Wal Mart receives a death benefit, tax-free. And the premiums are tax-free. It's a big yucky tax dodge, and I guess it's pretty much common knowledge, but I didn't know about it until this week.

* I learned that the Olympics are going to be in Rio, which I think is terrific.

* I learned that "philomath" is a synonym for "mastermind". I thought it was an Indian word for "West of Corvallis".

* I learned that my grandma, who is 89, can still turn heads... but she isn't quite up-to-speed on the TSAs toothpaste tube size regulations.

* I learned that it's worth getting up before dawn sometimes, especially when this is what you get to see when the sun comes up:

An injustice or two.

In 1993, Tommy Lee Jones won the Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for The Fugitive.
Val Kilmer wasn't even nominated for his Doc Holliday.

Maybe it was a make-up award for the Emmy Jones did not receive in 1989 for Lonesome Dove. If you think that award went to Robert Duvall, you would be wrong. It went to someone else. In fact, Lonesome Dove won 7 Emmys, but none for acting or writing.

It just goes to show that all these awards are bullshit.

I'm just looking for a little google love

I've got a Google Wave invite on the way. One of my friends sent me one and I should have mine shortly. I am not 100 percent sure why I want it, but now, I am kinda obsessed with it.
I watched a GW demo a couple months or so ago, and I got all excited. Waves are like emails and IMs and text documents and wiki-thingys with an incredible spell-checker. I can't wait to try it out. I can't wait for my invitation.
I use and love gmail. I am giving google voice a good try, although my mom wasn't able to call me using the widget. (Could that be because Voice isn't available in her area?) I use Blogger every day, and I would be absolutely flummoxed without my Google Calendar which I sync to my BlackBerry, which I use for Google Maps.
Google Overlords, I beseech you: Please don't make me wait much longer. I thirst for your Kool Aid.

About last night

Last night, I went to bed without blogging for the first time since April. I just forgot about it until my feet hit the sheets, and by then it was much too late. Also, I had nothing of consequence to share.
I got an invitation to a Halloween party that I am pretty excited about, and I have an invitation to Google Wave on the way.
So far, I am pretty happy with October. I love waking up in the morning to a warm house because the furnace has kicked on.