A mindbump for today

suggested by Gothic Home

"Describe your very first cemetery experience."

My first memory of death was when my Grandpa Roy died when I was 8. I remember that I went to the funeral, but I later learned that my grandma thought I was too young to be there. I had no clue what was going on, though, really. I wasn't sad. I remember that at the end of the service they opened the casket, and from where I sat, I could see Grandpa's big round belly sticking up. I remember that his face looked really fake and he had lipstick on.
I don't remember going to the cemetery for his internment, but I have many memories of going to the West Seattle Cemetery with my grandma to visit his grave. That's what we did with grandma when we were little- we visited Inger and Caroline in the nursing home and Grandpa in the cemetery. My grandma bought a double plot so that she would be buried with my grandpa, and it creeps me out to this day that her name is already on a headstone with her year of birth and a dash.
I also remember going to a funeral in high school. My friend Lorri's boyfriend was killed by a drunk driver, he was 17. The single most heartachingly horrifying thing I have ever witnessed was the way his mother screamed at God, right there at Jay's graveside, and begged him to give her her son back. She refused to allow the cemetery staff to lower the casket into the ground. I remember she was pleading, "Don't cover him up, don't cover him up."
I don't remember how it was resolved, I am sure that I was so uncomfortable that I couldn't bear to watch the entire thing. I mean, I know that he eventually got buried, and his mother survived, but I'm not sure she left the cemetery under her own power that day.

This could be a game changer

About three years ago, I ditched our land line in favor of two cell phones because most of our calls are long-distance, and I was using my cell for most calls anyway. I still think it was a good move, but Google Voice may change the way I use the phone again.

Google Voice lets you choose a number ( I chose 321-2 and then my first name...) and you can call anywhere in the US or Canada for free... but if you use your mobile phone, you still use your minutes.
GV also has a ton of fun and useful features, like call forwarding, call recording, call preview... pretty much everything you have ever wished you could do with a phone.

Sometime in the future, you will be able to port your number to Google Voice... which means free-free calls from a landline with no hassles about giving out your new number.

When and if that happens, it will tempting to ditch the cell phone...

Here's a widget (over there on the right). You can click on it to call me for free, even if you don't have google voice. This might be useful if you are my mother. You just click the widget, tell it your number- then GV will call you and connect you to me. For free, I promise.

8 ways to give a shit (rated PG-13)

I've been bombarded by shit lately! In my email, on facebook, and on tv, I have heard some new and funny ways to use the word "Shit". COmbined with some old favorites, here are 8 ways you can use "shit" to add some pizzazz to your conversations. (unless you are a seventh grader.)

* Shit on a shingle- It's what's for dinner. In my mother's family, this was creamed tuna on toast, but I think more traditionally, it's creamed beef on toast. My grandmother probably made it on Fridays. So appetizing!

* Shit sandwich- Not nearly as enticing as the above S.O.S., a shit sandwich is the lesser of two evils. "I'd rather eat a shit sandwich than listen to Dick Cheney explain how the Vice President of the United States is not part of the executive branch"

* Shitpile- a unit of measurement, ususally used for solid items: I have a shitpile of laundry to do.

* Shitload- larger than a shitpile. I think you could fit two or three shitpiles into a shitload. One would be better off taking a shitload of laundry to the laundromat and getting it all done in one day.

* Shithead- We all know shitheads, sometimes we all act like shitheads, but nothing is as funny as picturing a shithead.

* Shitfaced- I don't know the origins of this cute colloquialism, but I surely have been shitfaced a time or two. I think shitfaced is when you promise God you will never drink again if only he would help you vomit.

* Shit storm- A person who surrounds herself with a lot of drama might be said to be in the midst of a shit storm of emotion.

And, finally, my favorite:

* Shit show- An ugly display, poor behavior, a spectacle. You might be treated to a shit show in the bleachers at a Little League game.

Things I learned this week- Big lazy dog edition

Today was a great day for us. My husband rearranged his schedule so that he will have Sundays off for at least a while, and today was our first family day off in a long time. We celebrated by taking the big dogs into the woods where we hunted for mushrooms and sighted in the rifle for deer season, which starts in a couple weeks. Here's what I learned this week:

* I learned you can teach an old dog new tricks. Gus, pictured above on the right, hates to be wet. I would say he has hydrophobia, but you can't say that about I dog, I guess, lest someone think he's rabid. But today, Gus crossed a small creek, twice.

* I learned that it is not legal to shoot at a paper target on a live tree in Oregon. Thanks, Trooper Young! (no ticket, just a warning) (who knew?)

* I learned that late September is too early for chanterelles around here. The forest litter is pretty dry and crunchy, I guess we need a little more rain.

* I learned that prescription strength Ibuprofen is a surprisingly effective pain reliever. It's really good stuff.


And here, just for fun, is a video of what we go through when we travel with the big dogs. You must know that both dogs are 100% capable of getting in and out of the truck, but it seems like they take turns being too tired or too old or too fat or too stubborn. They seem to do better with a running start, so that is why we run them up to the bumper.
**A note about Murphy's coat: Murphy is a Siberian Husky/ Newfoundland mix. He has the worst possible coat imaginable. He has an oily waterproof top layer from the Newfoundland, and a woolly undercoat from the Husky. So, when he sheds, the woolly undercoat tries to escape the oily topcoat, and it makes a sticky woolly stinky mess. And, for more fun, he sheds in stages- you can see here that his back and chest are done shedding, but his legs have just started. So that's why he looks neglected. But trust me, he isn't. What you see aren't mats, they are clumps. Yes, there is a difference.

Saturday report

No surveillance equipment at The Monitor's garage sale. He had a few overpriced things and lots of baby items that I guess he was selling for his daughter. He must have put an ad in the paper (Of course he did) because our street was a parade route from about 7:30 until I left for soccer at noon.

Soccer went pretty well. It reminded me of this story from a couple weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, I was scheduled as an Assistant Referee for my daughter's game. I was happy to see that the center ref for that game was a great guy named John, who taught me all I know about refereeing, but I like him anyway. I was surprised to see him because I thought he was moving to Texas.
We met before the game and he explained that he would be moving soon- in fact, his soccer gear was all packed up, which meant his ref watch was packed. He asked me if I had a way to keep time, and I replied that yes, I did. I showed him the fancy ref's watch that I got as a thank-you gift for working Soccerfest last year. This watch has a countdown timer, a count-up timer, a stopwatch, a clock, an alarm and a bunch of other crap I can't figure out how to use. Knowing that John is a supersmart guy, I asked him if he knew how to set the timer for 25, 35, and 45 minute halves. He showed me how, and I was pretty impressed. Since I was scheduled to center ref a game after my daughter's, I would have an easier time keeping track of time. "Thanks!" I said, then I headed to the opposite sideline to put my bag down or something.
Right before the game, I asked him," Okay, how do you want me to let you know that we are getting close to halftime?" And he told me that I didn't have to worry about it because he had borrowed someone else's watch.
It wasn't until about 3 hours after I got home that I realized that he wanted to borrow my watch. An AR doesn't need to keep time, I had no use for my watch for that game. What an idiot I was, and now John has moved to Texas and he and I will never have the chance to laugh together about how dense I was.

I wonder if there will be used surveillance eqipment.

Tomorrow, my across- the street neighbor is having a garage sale. I know this because he has been out in his garage pricing items for a week. This drives me crazy, because every time I see him, I am reminded that every time I step foot out the front door, I see him!
He is a really nice guy, we have socialized. But I call him The Monitor because he is constantly in front of his house- washing his car, pulling weeds, painting, mowing, chatting, leaving, arriving. I think he does these things just so I can't walk out to my car in my bathrobe without feeling like a big dork. Of course, I do it anyway.
So tomorrow is his garage sale. I sort of have to go and chat. I should probably buy something, but I can't dicker, right? Hopefully there will be cookbooks for sale- the cookbook is a totally acceptable item to buy from your neighbor's garage. I wonder what else he might have...you can tell so much about a person by looking at the stuff they don't want any more, yet won't throw or give away.
I'll report tomorrow.

)(*&^%$#@<>,.?/:;"'{[}]+=_-~`!!

Did you know that today was National Punctuation Day? That's okay. It's not too late to put it on your 2010 calendar.
Do we need a National Punctuation Day? Of course we do! I, for one, punctuate willy-nilly. I over-use the ellipses and comma, and I am still not 100% sure where the period goes if a sentence ends with a quotation.
We have spell check, but no punctuation check; this seems to be an injustice. In observance of National Punctuation Day, I promise to do the following: learn how to properly punctuate quotes, limit my elliptical use and determine whether or not I really need the hyphen.
Oh, and one more thing: What's the difference between these: (...) and these: {...} and these: [...] ?
Oh, the mysteries of punctuation....

Ziploc wins.

I can't find the weight for my pressure canner. I know it's in a really good place somewhere, with the jar lifter and funnel. A smarter gal might've stored these things inside the canner?

In any event, I'll be freezing beans this evening, after a trip to the store to buy, among other things, Ziploc freezer bags. If my past luck is any indicator, shortly thereafter, probably while I am putting the groceries away, I will find the weight.

My important social experiment

A Week withoutOver at Poor Girl Eats Well, the poor girl in question is participating in San Francisco Food Bank's Hunger Challenge- that is, eating on $4 per day, the amount a food stamp recipient gets. She's doing very well, I might add, but it's only day two.
I read her posts, and thought that if I had some notice, I might have done the same thing- I love a short term challenge, you know, and I have always wanted to do a social experiment.

Then it occurred to me that I have already been living an altered life for the past seven to ten days. I have run completely out of Ziploc sandwich and freezer bags. This has effects on my family, although we have been able to so far move past the devastation. We have packed sandwiches and other lunch items in Tupperware, so we really haven't missed the sandwich bags at all. We have a rule about substituting freezer bags for sandwich bags- we don't do it because we think it makes the food taste funny.
Tomorrow, I will be faced with my first major challenge. I have zero freezer bags and about 5 pounds of fresh green beans (thanks, Mom!). I have a canner and jars and rings and lids, but I have never used a pressure canner by myself before, and I am frankly nervous. Tomorrow the great question of my week will be answered: Do I end my week without Ziploc, or do I push my food preservation limits and can my first batch of beans?
I'll let you know.

8 things that sound better than they really are

I'm easily excited. If something sounds too good to be true, I am all for it. Here are 8 things that sound really marvelous, but turn out to be just okay.

* The Jimmy Frisco- this roast beef sandwich at the Wet Dog Cafe in Astoria, Oregon just may be the finest-named sandwich around. I admit that I ordered it just so I could say "Gimme a Jimmy Frisco." It sounded so delicious- roast beef, grilled tomatoes, provolone cheese and horseradish. In reality, the beef was bland, the horseradish was some sort of pussy horseradish mayonnaise sauce, and the bread was soggy. The homemade chips, however, were super delish.

* O, the Oprah magazine- I hate to be critical of Mother O, but her magazine is no better than any of the other women's magazines out there. I had a free subscription (thanks, My Coke Rewards) and I did not renew. It's all ads and Jennifer Aniston interviews. No thanks.

* Saloons- It sounds adventurous to go to the local saloon and order a frosty mug. It's really no better than having a beer at the bar on the corner. The same goes for Pubs.

* Being a juror at Junior Gotti's trial- Seven people were, at first, probably really excited to be a part of a sensational trial, perhaps a part of US criminal history. But then, at the last minute, they asked to be excused. No explanantion was offered for why they would want to be excused, so I am guessing that they heard that being a juror in a mob trial is probably really boring.

* Snake handling- Oh sure, it seems like the perfect way to get closer to God while convincing others to do the same. But all it takes is one wrong move to realize you've made an unfortunate and permanent miscalculation.

* Pier biking- What sounds more delightful than riding your cruiser along the pier on a sunny day? It sounds like a perfectly whimsical way to enjoy the hustle and bustle of the waterfront. You might want to don a jaunty chapeau to keep the sun out of your eyes. Maybe you could pack a lunch, or better yet, pack your sweetie on a bicycle built for two. Pedal Power!
Except- you didn't think of this, did you?



Pier biking is very dangerous. Not nearly as fun and carefree as it sounds.

* Impersonating a police officer- Now, who hasn't thought of trying to convince the cop that pulls you over that you are On The Job (thanks, NYPD Blue.)? I think about it all the time- well actually, I thought about it once this morning when I read the news. Anyway, this guy thought about it, and he apparently thought it sounded like a sweet-ass idea, because he tried it and found out that it works out better in his imagination than in real life.

*Maintaining a daily blog- Oh sure, it sounds fun. It sounds like you get to have your very own newspaper column where you can impart your unique world view onto the unwashed masses. It sounds like you can dazzle strangers with your wit and creativity. In reality, it's pretty difficult to be thoughtful and insightful on a daily basis. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying it sounded a lot better in April. Also, I could only come up with seven things.

One more thing I learned

Oops, I forgot something. I learned about BlackBerry Messenger. I may try to use it.

Things I learned this week- Busy weekend edition

So, yeah. I missed a day yesterday. I had the busiest weekend I've had in a while, and it all turned out really, really great. My dad came to visit Friday, and he spent the night. Saturday morning, we went to watch Madison play soccer in Corvallis. This was a big game for me because I got to sit and spectate, and I did not have to referee her game or any other games. Out of habit, I paced the sideline. Then, Madison and I left for Naselle, where we met my stepsister and her three kids at my parents' house. I have a new one month old nephew that is really really awesome, and Madison loved to be able to hold and feed him. She also enjoyed hanging out with her cousin who is just a couple weeks younger than her. (that's a baby toad in his hands) Then, I met my friends Heather and Erica in Astoria for lunch, and once again had a very good time. By the time Madison and I got home, she had a full-on headcold, school tomorrow is definitely a game-time decision. Here is what I learned this week:

* I learned that Wine Spectator will give a recomendation to any restaurant that pays $250.00 for an award. Here is a story
about a wince critic who set up a fake restaurant website, with a wine list made up of wines that Wine Spectator had given poor reviews to, paid the $250.00, and received an award of excellence. Not that any of that has any bearinga t all on my life...

* I learned that everything I thought I knew about succulents has been turned on its ear. A few months ago, I became inspired while reading Ready Made magazine's profile of Molly Quan and her fabulous home. She has a lot of succulents in great pots, and I thought, "hey, there is something I think I can pull off." I don't have a green thumb, at all, but I was under the impression that you can put a succulent in a pot and forget about it for a year and it will continue to look green and happy. I was thinking of cactii, I guess, because I brought home a jade plant from my mother's- (thanks mom!) and as I was packing up the car, mom made sure to put the plant in a box and tuck a pillowcase around the pot so that the plant didn't shift and or break. I figured I could just put it on the back seat and hope for the best... but no. Then, she told me to water it when I got home. I assume (but I did not ask) that today is not the annual watering day. Now that I think about it, I bet these things need a little more care than I originally suspected. What have I got myself into?!?

Cheater Pants

Tonight, I am tired, I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, and I am not feeling creative, inspired, or funny. I was going to cut and paste a great article I read yesterday, but I see that it says "All rights reserved" at the bottome, so that probably means the right to cut and paste is reserved. So, here is a link.

The article is titled "9 tips to be a better communicator", and it has some very practical specific strategies one can use if one has difficulty picking up on non verbal cues, or is just not very good at conversation. For instance, I intuitively know that everything that comes after "I should" in a sentence describes something that the speaker finds difficult or unpleasant, (I should do the dishes, I should lose weight)but I never realized it until I read it in this article.

So, if you are the kind of person that doesn't always catch the nuances of conversation, check the article out. Maybe you aren't aware that you are missing volumes that go unspoken- click the link and read the article, just to humor me. Someone went to a lot of trouble to write it, it may as well be read.

Mater would frown upon Retriever Towing of Portalnd, Oregon.

My mother, like me, is a member of Epsilon Sigma Alpha, a philanthropic and service organization for women. My mother's chapter is much more philanthropic than mine- they provide college scholarships, host an annual golf tournament for St Jude Childrens research Hospital, and are responsible for bringing the Easter Bunny (and thousands of eggs and prizes) to their small town's Easter Egg Hunt. They host a monthly dinner for senior citizens. They are the kind of women that make good things happen.
Some months ago, they held a garage sale as a fundraiser. Someone- and I am not just protecting his identity here, I really don't know who he was, so let's call him Mr. Donor- generously donated a 30-some year old car to the sale. Since ESA is a non-profit tax-exempt entity, Mr. Donor may have been able to take a tax deduction for the value of the car. The car was sold, to Mr. Buyer, who was pleased that he got a great deal. The ESA ladies were pleased that they had such a large donation. Win-win-win.

Mr. Donor reported the donation of his vehicle to ESA to the DMV. Mr. Buyer was given a bill of sale and a car in return for some money.

A few weeks ago, the chapter was contacted by Retriever Towing in Portland. They were notified that the car had impounded, and they owed $1400.00 in fees. Retriever towing did not divulge the circumstances under which the car was towed, or from where it was towed. My mom told them that ESA does not want the car, that ESA had sold the car, and Retriever towing could keep the car, or squish it or auction it, or whatever. Retriever towing told her that her options were to pay the fees and come get the car, or to let storage fees accrue until auction.
The auction happened yesterday, and I do not know how much they got for the 30 year old-car, but I am sure it was no where near $1400. And- here is the rub- Retriever Towing will apply the sale amount to the fees due. They get to sell the car, keep the money, and charge ESA. For a car they possessed for a matter of hours.
According to my mother, the DMV says ESA is the legal owner of the car and Retriever Towing is within their rights. Here is a story about Retriever Towing towing a woman's car because she parked illegally for a matter of minutes, while she ran into her grandmother's apartment to call the police after she was assaulted. The police came to take her assault report, and while she was talking to the deputy inside her grandmother's apartment, Retriever Towing came and hooked up her car. Even though the deputy asked the driver to put her car down, the driver would not do so until the woman, bloodied and crying and with black eyes, paid a $165 drop fee. The driver was within his rights, but he was wrong. Ethically, morally, personally, wrong.
Now, Retriever Towing is wrong again. They are shaking down a group of old ladies who are afraid their personal bank accounts are going to be seized if they don't pay up. These women have to come up with money out of their own pockets- there isn't enough money in the treasury to cover the bill.
My mother is hesitant to fight this because she is somewhat embarrassed that all the i's weren't dotted in the car transaction- ESA should have notified the DMV of the sale within 10 days. I told her that they ought to let the towing company take them to court. I told her she ought to alert the media. She wrote a letter to Retriever Towing, asking for them to forgive any impound fees because ESA is a non-profit. She has yet to hear from them. I think, if she hasn't heard by Monday, I may alert the Portland media (I nearly did it today-I have a friend who is a reporter in Portland, and today his facebook status was "slow news day...listening to my ipod and police scanner) and Consumerist.com.

*ESA, in this post, refers to my mother's chapter, which I have not named. It does not refer to ESA international. Also, for the sake of my aching wrists, in many instances I refer to "she" or "her" when I mean "my mother and all the rest of the ladies in her chapter"

www.obligations.com

I listened to a podcast yesterday about writing in preparation for my big November Novel. The podcast s a recording of the "Pen on Fire" radio program from UC Irvine. The host, Barbara DeMarco-Barrett, interviewed an editor-turned agent about the business of writing, which, quite honestly, I am not all that interested in. During the course of their conversation, Barbara asked her guest, Betsy Lerner, her opinion of Google Books.
Google Books lets users see scanned previews of many books. Some books are available in their entirety. To be honest, I had never played around with it, so I wasn't very familiar with it. Barbara did not try to hide her feelings of uneasiness about Google Books- apparently her book is available in its entirety, and she isn't sure she likes it. Betsy was of a divided mind, as an agent, it's her job to get books sold. On the other hand, She thinks that Google Books may actually help sell books, and she reminded authors that no one ever sold books by withholding material.
Which got me thinking: There is so much free stuff on the internet. What would I pay for? What if I had to pay a penny for every search I made? I bet my monthly google bill would run about 50 bucks. How valuable is the internet?
I've learned so much on-line. I read the news so I don't have to watch TV commercials. I learned to knit using instructions I found on-line. My daughter has a somewhat rare genetic condition, and if it weren't for the internet, I would be constantly on the phone to her doctors- There simply aren't any "What to Expect When your daughter has been diagnosed with Turner Syndrome" books out there. I find recipes, patterns, inspiration, and long-lost friends on the internet.
So I think I am obligated to give back. Perhaps it's my Catholic guilt. I think that we all have an obligation to share what we know, to teach each other what we didn't learn in school, or maybe what we have forgotten. For instance, if I ever get my macrame chair made, I will definitely post instructions and photos, because there just aren't enough macrame chair instuctions out there.

Too good not to share.

8 things I did not expect from my mid-thrities

I just now remembered that yesterday was Monday, and it should have been an 8 things post. I had something else in mind to write about today, but I can save that for tomorrow. I don't know why I can't save the 8 things for tomorrow... I guess the closer to Monday I post 8 things, the better. My 8 Things and Things I learned this Week are truly lifesavers- they are ready-made topics when nothing else seems interesting or relevant, so I must respect them.
Here then, are 8 things that I find wondrous and surprising about myself now that I am in my mid-thirties.

* My hair has really changed. It used to be stick-straight. Now, it's a little wavier and a lot grayer. When I first started getting gray, I thought, cool, now I can be like Bonnie Raitt. But it wasn't to be. No forelock of excellence for me. Just coarse grays mixed in willy-nilly.

* I am becoming a man. No one told me that I would get chin hair. I have an eyelash that grows right out of the bottom of my chin. I pull it out, it comes back. Also, my nose hairs are getting longer. I have to trim them. What the hell!?! I did not know about this. So not only am I becoming a man, I am becoming an old man.
I am keeping a close eye on my ears.

* It really is harder to lose weight. I used to be able to lose weight pretty much by thinking about it. Those days are over. It's too hard to change it now, so I get to love my new womanly figure.

* I forget almost more than I remember. I forget the dumbest things. Of course, none come to mind at the moment... but I am constantly marveling at the things I forget. I am 100% serious when I tell you that I have an alarm set to go off on my phone when it is time to pick my daughter up from school. Oh- I forgot I had jury duty last year. Honestly. I just forgot. I remembered by about noon on the day I was supposed to show up, and I called the jury coordinator at the courthouse, and she told me that I would have been excused anyway because the case had settled. But since I had the courtesy to call, she took my name out of the pool for this year.

* I'm noisy! My shoulders pop like bubble wrap, my knees crack and I've got a snappy hip. No way I'm sneaking up on anyone.

* I've forsaken fashion for comfort. My favorite fabric is rayon jersey... so soft and forgiving, and no need to iron. And, it's dry clean only, so.... no laundry! No more jeans or crisp cotton shirts. I'm all about skirts with elastic waists and kimono-style cardigans (which are really just public-friendly bathrobes, come on.)

* I still get zits. That is so unfair. Gray hair or acne, one or the other, I can deal with. The combination, however, is like Mother Nature pointing and laughing at me. Bitch.

* I don't understand the music these days. Yes, I said it. My feelings about auto-tune are, I guess, probably close to my parents generations' feelings about synthesizers and drum machines.
Well, I'll put my Tears for Fears and Duran Duran up against your Rascal Flatts and T-Pain. Cher gets a pass for being a pioneer.

I am a conspiracy theorist.

I watched the VMAs last night, and was reminded why I don't watch much television. I think it's all made-up- which would be just fine if it didn't pretend it were real.

I think the Kanye West/ Taylor Swift incident was staged, and here is why:

1. What the hell was Kanye West doing at the VMAs, anyway? Although nominated, he was not a winner, and I am certain that the winners know in advance that they have won. Therefore, Kanye knew he wasn't going to collect any awards. He was not a presenter, and he did not perform. Are we to believe that Kanye West showed up to the VMAs to sit in the audience? I don't buy it. He was there to make news.

2. Taylor Swift paused to while he came on stage. Then, she did not try to resume her speech.

3. At the end of the show, Beyonce won the best video of the year award. Taylor Swift was backstage, in a new dress, with a mic, waiting for Beyonce to call her out. *People magazine reported that Beyonce's dad and Taylor's mom made arrangements for Taylor to finish her speech at the end of the show, when Beyonce should have been accepting her award* If this is true, it confirms that the winners know who they are. If it's not true, it confirms another larger conspiracy theory of mine, which is that People magazine, and other publications of its ilk, are all "in on it", too. That's a conspiracy theory for next week.

4. If these "dramatic moments" didn't happen on MTVs award shoes, who would watch them? Neither a VMA nor a MTV Movie Award are prestigious. MTV needs the buzz.

Things I learned this week- Harvest Festival Edition

So as I mentioned yesterday, we went to the Tangent Harvest Festival parade. Here are some photos.

Here is the first half of the parade:
And here is the second half:
Cute, huh? Once they rounded the corner, they went around the block and started to spread out a little. Maybe they got tired from walking and pedaling around the block?
Anyway, I was glad because it made the parade last longer, and it gave me a chance to photograph each entry seperately.
For instance, the Tangent Parent-Teacher Club. With Bicycle Jesus!And, all the Cub Scouts in Tangent:

And finally, the American Hero Carpet Cleaning Company:

One hundred percent pure American Awesome.
Here are some other things I learned this week:

* I listened to a great podcast- the first chapter of This is Where I Leave You by Johnathan Tropper, and it was really good.

* I learned that I can download audiobooks for free, from my computer, through my library. You can, too. I listened to Barrel Fever by David Sedaris, read by the author and his amazingly talented sister Amy.

* I learned that I am getting long in the tooth. I watched the MTV VMA awards, and I don't understand the music these days. Lady Gaga, I'm not impressed with your fashion attention whoring, and neither are Liberace, Elton John, or even Bjork for that matter.

A Banner Day

huh- huh get it? Banner?

Today, the band students who couldn't find an excuse not to marched in the Tangent Harvest Festival parade. This may have been the cutest darned parade I have ever seen. There were about 8 entries- the harley club, the PTA, the cub scouts, a carpet cleaner, some vintage John Deeres, the fire department, the band, and three or four collector cars. The parade past my first location in about 4 minutes, so I just picked up my chair, moved it down the street, waited for the parade to come around the block, and watched the whole thing over again. I repeated this another two times, and we were still HOME one hour after the parade began.

Then we were off to soccer. Madison's team won, 5-1. I was so proud of the way Madison hustled. Her team showed a lot of great teamwork and a positive overall attitude. Maybe that's because they won, I guess time will tell.

Then it was my turn to ref, and I did a bad job, but not game-changing bad. I made a couple bonehead mistakes, but I corrected them right away, so I guess all's well that ends well.
Except that it didn't end completely well- as I was walking from the pitch to my car, after running around for 5 hours in the 90 degree weather, I realized I was too hot. WAY too hot. I was weak and nauseaous and tingly. I made it home okay, and finally got cooled down after an hour or so. What a yucky feeling.

I prepare to return to the scene of the crime

Big weekend coming up. Girl Scouts started tonight, and it went well, except one girl had pretty impressive body odor, and she has taken to wearing studded collars over the summer. Awesome.

Tomorrow, Madison will be marching in the Tangent Harvest Festival Parade. Tangent is a teeny bedroom community south of Albany. The parade should lat about 40 minutes, I am told... and, for once, I am going to sit down and watch, and maybe shoot some video.
The band will once again be playing Land of 1000 dances, and Madison will be playing her newly repaired, refurbished clarinet.

Then, we hit the soccer pitch. Madison has a game which I will side-ref, and then, I am to be the center ref in a match of girls in the 10-12 division, which is a new division this year. They play for an hour on a full size field! I predict I will fall over in the fourth period from oldness.
I am really nervous about this game- the last time I ref'd at Soccerfest, it did not go well- I blew a game changing call. My plan is to keep my whistle in my pocket and let them play. No blood, no foul.

I am a liberal, not a moderate, dammit.

One Too Many


The third glass of wine
like the third child
was an oops.

I am glad I had it
But
If I had it to do over again
I would have stopped at two.

Let the Meetings Begin!

Now that school has started, the meetings have begun in earnest. Tonight was the first of three this week- a Girl Scout adult volunteer meeting. Usually, these meetings are a real snooze, but since we have major changes this year, tonight was at least interesting in the sense that it was amazing how disorganized and incompetent the organization is showing itself to be. Thank goodness I am only in this for the girls, because if I were in it for any type of personal enrichment, I would be sorely disappointed.
Tomorrow, I am hosting an ESA meeting here at my home. That should be somewhat better, at least I can drink.
And Friday, we will have the first girl scout meeting of the year, which I genuinely am looking forward to. I love seeing the girls after the summer, how they have grown and changed and matured. We are going to have a lot of fun this year.

Seventh Grade Adventist

Tomorrow is the big day, Madison's first day of seventh grade. She has her outfit all picked out- a black blouse with jeans and her black "school shoes"- so named because every year since kindergarten, we have bought her at least one pair of these shoes:
which last all year and are super comfy, according to Madison. This year, we bought her last two pairs of School Shoes- she has grown to the top of the kids' shoe scale, her next shoes will be in women's size.
I digress. So, the outfit is all picked out, the backpack is (mostly) packed with fresh school supplies and new gym shoes and clothes, and Madison herself is definitely ready to get back to school.
And I am struggling with the same question I struggle with every year: What to pack her for lunch?
Every year, we start with good intentions and grand plans for her to take her lunch each day so she will have a "real food" meal. Have you seen a school lunch? Worse than gas station food.
As the year progresses, and by progresses, I mean by the second week of school, I am tired of getting up early to make her lunch and she is too pressed for time in the morning to do it herself. So I write a small check for her lunch account, hoping that if I only give her enough for a few days' worth of disgusting tray fare, we will be forced to renew our efforts when the money runs out.
Or write another check...

8 folks I want to thank for working on Labor Day

* Gas Station Guy- Can you imagine what would happen if gas stations were closed on holidays? A whole lot of bad news, that's what.

* Mini-Mart lady- back in my smoking days, I could always count on Mini Mart lady showing up to work just to sell me a pack of butts. I'm sure she sells other important things to other people, too.

* Mr. DJ- Holidays would be eerily quiet without the folks at the radio station pressing the buttons. I appreciate the noise.

* Simple Carry-out Boy- I am pretty sure you get stuck with the crummy shifts because you cheerfully smile and say "Yes, ma'am" to anything. Do you know you're appreciated?

* Fast Food Grill Guy Who May be my Brother in Law- Those burgers aren't going to wrap themselves, and thanks to you, we can all have hot fries, even on a holiday.

* Air Traffic Controllers- I don't think we verbalize our gratitude to you enough. I can walk outside, confident that I am safe from falling aircraft, even on holidays, thanks to you.

* Barmaid- thanks for keeping the drunks corralled, while most of us are getting drunk with our families, they can get drunk with you.

* Strippers- thanks for keeping the pervs off the street. Civilization just may fall apart if you ladies took a day off. Happy Labor Day to you.

Things I learned this week- crabbing edition

Today, we went crabbing in Newport with my husband's brother and his three kids, and his mother and stepfather and their teenage son. Because of the high kid-overboard potential, we crabbed off the public pier with the railings on the South side of Yaquina bay, rather than our favorite, less-safe, and far less-crowded spot across the water.

One good thing about the long pier is that on the shore end, there are restrooms and a fish cleaning station. The fish cleaning station has trough sinks, hoses, counters, and a dumpster which is filled with fresh fish carcasses. I suggested we dig some bait out of the dumpster, but was voted down because of the ickyness of rooting in a dumpster.
After we had pulled our rings for the second time and found them empty, I decided I was goin' rootin'. I walked down to the end of the pier, and with a glove, pulled out what was left of a fileted tuna- the head, spine and tail.
That fish carcass got HEAVY by the time I had hauled it all the way back to our rings, and I would like to say that due to my dumpster diving, we caught zillions of delicious crab, but we didn't. We did however, catch some- some female and too-small male Dungeness.. and a few red rock crabs, which we kept- but went home with the in-laws, so I can't attest to their deliciousness.
Here's what else I learned:

*I learned that the crab ring ropes have worried grooves into the pier.
* I learned that the president is going to give an address to school kids on Tuesday, the day before my daughter starts school. I'll be sure she watches at home.

* I learned a few other lessons that I ought not blog about. But I learned them. If you ask me about them, I'll tell you.

* I learned that many schools start before Labor Day. This, in my opinion, is ridiculous.

Cheap Wine report

There are so many ways that I love Grocery Outlet, but I think my favorite thing about G.O. is the wine department. I am able to try a lot of different wines for $2 to $4 per bottle. Yes, $2 per bottle. Tonight, I bought my favorite yet, and I thought I should share... although I am reluctant to let the secret out. The last two times I have bought good wine and gone back for more, it was all sold out.
I am talking about Three Winemakers White Rabbit, for which I paid $2.99. (according to Google, it regularly sells for $12.99) Red Haze is pictured above, which I have not tried. Both wines are made from a blend of grapes. White Rabbit promised melon and pineapple flavor, and did it ever deliver. There's also a nice spicy oak note in there. This is by far my favorite cheap wine so far. Here is my completely made-up wine rating system.

Cool label: 4/5

Taste: 5/5

Catchy name: 4/5

Price: 4/5 ( I couldn't give this a 5 because GO sells wine for $1.99 a bottle, too)

So White Rabbit gets 17/20. It could only have been better if the name had a catchy double entendre, if it were $1.99, and if the label were...I don't know, a little more appealing to me.

The uniforms are ugly: the attitude is worse.

So shortly after I posted and went to bed last night, LaGarrette Blount, the Oregon Duck who last week said that Boise State was owed an ass-whoopin', gave an ass-whoopin to Bronco Byron Hout.. who, maybe asked for it a little... and should have been wearing his helmet to talk trash. If he had been, he maybe wouldn't have crumpled after Blount tagged him.

Blount then flew into a full-fledged rage. He shoved a teammate who tried to call him. As he walked to the tunnel, he was taunted by fans. He had to be restrained by coaches and security to keep from going into the stands. By this time, no UO players were near him. He had already cut himself from the team. It was just a formality when coach Kelly did it today.

Oregon's football uniforms are UGLY.

Tonight, the college football season began, a harbinger of fall. Oregon opened their season at Boise State, on the smurf turf. Full Disclosure: We are Beaver Believers... but honestly, not Duck haters. We generally root for both teams except in the civil war.

Oregon has a rich history of ugly uniforms. I suspect that they think, since they have an "in" at Nike, that their uniforms are "sick", and the rest of us just don't appreciate them yet because of our retarded sense of gridiron fashion. Scratch that- I don't suspect it, I know it. Each year, the uniforms are unveiled to much fanfare and media hoopla. Nike and the UO Athletic department tell us about new, high-tech materials (this year, the D-rings on the pants are titanium, not steel)
and modern design options-all fashioned for optimal football performance.

This year, the players have 5 jerseys, 4 helmets and 4 pants options... 80 possible combinations. for 16 games. All 80 are ugly. But any that involve that yellow jersey are particularly heinous.

They can't fool me. Those uniforms are u-g-l-y and they don't got no alibi. Wings? Nike says they aren't just decorative, they are abrasion-resistant. So they are slippery wings.

Look at the numbers. Don't they look like they were put on with colored duct tape? They are made of some special material, much lighter than the usual sewn-on numerals. In this case- lighter equals uglier.

Listen, I wish Oregon all the luck this year. I hope they do well and take second in the Pac10. But, man, those uniforms are ugly.

A Baseball Haiku

Haiku are my way of getting a post in- writing something- when I am too tired to write more. A cop out? Maybe.

Old men play baseball
injuries and surgeries
can't stop the boys of summer.


***I slept on this, and realized, in bed, that this is not a haiku at all. I guess I was tired!
Here's a haiku:

The love of the game keeps them
coming back for more
despite the rheumatism.

*******third try: I see that I still don't have it right.

achy and old joints
squeaking around the basepath
grinning like schoolbys



there. I got it.

The Space Between

I occasionally run into a physician that I will call Dr. Johnson (after Lyndon Johnson, above). Dr. Johnson is an interesting man to me, because he has obvious issues with his self-esteem, which is not recommended for a surgeon.

Dr. Johnson is not a skilled physician. He has, in fact, been asked to refrain from operating on patients, or performing any otherwise invasive procedures. He came up with a convenient case of carpal tunnel syndrome (which, curiously, in only his case, can't be surgically cured) which allowed him to gracefully change the nature of his practice from surgical to medico-legal.

It is my opinion that Dr. Johnson has never been particularly intelligent or socially skilled. I suspect that he was admitted to medical school because his father and sister are doctors. I also suspect that he graduated at the bottom of his class.
Surgeons are trained to be infallible... to find fault for errors anywhere but with themselves. Although it makes them difficult to deal with on personal level, it is, in the end, a very good thing that someone who holds the lives of others literally in their hands should be supremely confident.
In Dr. Johnson's case, he had to find his confidence somewhere... so he compensated.
He married a quite lovely woman, who obviously is in love with her lifestyle... but I wonder about how in love with him she is. He buys his clothes from the finest catalogs, then tells you about it. ("They don't even print the price") He takes a month off each year to sail his yacht.

He interacts with people as if he has been taught to "be a good listener"- and I think that is what repulses me about him. I can smell his bullshit. I get the weird feeling that I intimidate him, and so he really turns on the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People when I'm around.

He leans in, much too close, when he talks to me, and looks me right in the eye like a dog trying to establish dominance. He tries to make small talk, but he fails miserably. I try to uh-huh and look busy, but he doesn't get the hint. Today I had to tell him that he was too close.

"Can you back up a little?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable..."

But I know that he had meant to, and I think he was happy that I admitted it.

I should have offered him a breath mint.