8 things that Jesus would probably not have done

I'm no theologian, but I have read a couple books about Jesus and I went to church a few times, so I feel like I have a basic understanding of what he was all about. You know, "be nice" and stuff. But maybe my feelings are wrong. There are plenty of people out there who claim to have a deeper understanding of what Jesus wants from them. I don't get it.

* I don't think Jesus would have murdered anyone in a church, no matter how strongly He disagreed with them or disapproved of their occupation. Now this might be a gray area for some... but He did leave us those Commandments, and I seem to remember something about what thou shalt not do. Thou means you.

* I'm also fairly confident that He would not accuse small African children of witchcraft, condemning them to be separated from their parents and tortured.

* Shooting up a church while the children perform "Annie" because the congregation tolerates the gays? I suspect Jesus would call this a bad idea.

*Speaking of the gays, Didn't Jesus have two fathers? Now, I am not saying that Joseph was gay, or that God is gay. I am just saying that Jesus would probably be tolerant of non-traditional families, with his six cousin/siblings. I don't think He would have supported proposition 8.


The things that I don't think Jesus would do aren't limited to political or criminal acts of hypocrisy. There are everyday, small scale things that I think he wouldn't do, too.

* I don't think Jesus would forward me emails with explicitly violent photographs of a Japanese hostage crisis, to make the point that it is cheaper to kill a kidnapper quickly without a trial than to arrest, try and imprison him. I'd like to think Jesus would make up a parable.

*Jesus wasn't a father in the traditional sense,(unless you believe The DaVinci Code) but if he were, I think he would not have hit his children. Jesus was no Job, but he was patient.


Far be it from me to point out the speck in everyone else's eye without examining the plank in mine.


* Unlike me, Jesus would not pretend not to notice the beggar at the end of the freeway off ramp. I know that Jesus would not only give this guy what he needed, but also wash his feet. So, yeah, Jesus is more benevolent than I am.

*Jesus probably wouldn't write about other people's shortcomings, and how he gets irritated when people do terrible things in His name. Jesus would forgive them, and pray for their salvation. But then again, He had all those other guys to do his writing for him....