I solve the problems of the world.

Torture is a hot topic these days. The president and former vice-president gave dueling speeches yesterday, wherein we heard their awesome plans for what to do with the Guantanamo detainees. Cheney says torture them, it's working. Obama says we should keep them, un-tortured but indefintely, without trial, and somewhere else.

I want to feel safe from terrorism. I want bad guys caught and punished. I don't think we should be a bunch of pussies, but I can't sign on for torture. I thought maybe I could. Here is a story about a DJ, Mancow,
who thought waterboarding didn't sound too bad, so he tried it. After six seconds, he admitted it was torture. After reading that story, I was still okay with a little torture. But then, I did a google image search for the photo I will use for this post. I used the search term "torture", with safe search on, and it was as stupid as it sounds. The photos I saw were obviously prisoners being tortured, some appeared to be tortured by Al Qaeda, and others appeared to be AQ operatives being tortured. None of them looked like they were getting their faces rinsed. They were all naked, and there was blood, and much torture seems to take place upside down. It's just not right, and I can't get behind it.
It's also ridiculous to think that we can keep suspected terrorists detained indefintely without a trial. It's not American. Obama's argument is that these prisoners aren't criminals, they are warriors, and therefore, a different set of rules apply.
I think that was Cheney's argument for torture.
I don't know what's right. I think both plans suck.

Here is what I want:
I want a supersecret team of agents with the undying patriotism of a Nascar fan, the kung- fu skills of Jackie Chan, the ability to infiltrate enemy territory like James Bond, and the judgement of Jesus of Nazareth. We send this team after the bad guys with these instructions: Do what is necessary to protect us. Then, (here is the tough part) we would have to trust them. I don't want any congressional hearings or media exposes. I want to eat my metaphorical veal scallopini without having photographs of a slaughtered calf shoved under my nose.
I want the Superfriends to kick terrorist ass.